I don't know why I feel like this, my head hurts, I don't feel like getting out of bed, and overall I feel like complete shit... I know I smile and laugh like normal but it feels forced.. I'm too chicken to even attempt suicide so I'm just stuck... I want to be useful to people, I wanna fix their problems so I won't have to sit and ponder about my own self worth, which is pretty much nothing... On my own, as a person I'm worthless... I don't contribute to society, I'm just a bother, getting in people's way or just hurting them while trying to feel better about myself in some way... I've been in too many relationships to even understand "love" anymore... I try my best and it doesn't work, and they always leave, so of course it's my fault...
I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.. My life hasn't been the same since mom died, and it's just slowly gotten worse with little good times in between to distract me... I'm scared of people... I don't wanna open up because I know if I do I'll be judged and forgotten... So if I always hide behind this persona, this mask, I can survive, even if it's for another day... I can't be by myself for long periods of time or my thoughts just well up and overtake me.. It's like I'm drowning in my own memories and no one can help.. I don't know what kind of person I am, I don't know if I'm doing my best, am I a good friend/brother/lover? Am I good enough for anyone?... I keep asking that to myself subconsciously every day and all I get is silence... Just... Put an end to me... If people forget about me when I die it'll be for the best... I don't even know why I'm still fucking here...
