🖤Stockholm 🖤Syndrome🖤

Trapped In Thought

Warning!!!!! 
Physical abuse, mentions of suicide, self harm, and childhood trauma. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!! Oh, and enjoy!))

I barely managed to escape his grasp, but luckily, I was able to flee from him. I raced up the stairs to a big metal door. "FUCK YOU!!! YOU CAN"T MAKE ME!" I screamed at Tord. I was stuck at the top of the stairs with a giant metal door, too heavy to move. "O-open dammit!!" I muttered to myself in pure fear and in excitement, Just then I managed to get the door open, but we weren’t in any place I recognized. It was a huge… base? A massive base with the same weird symbol on every building. It also looked like any stores or anything would be miles away.  Where am I? How far am I from home? Ugh... I kept running through my thoughts as I tried to leave, but...

WHAM!!!!!! Suddenly, I was out like a light yet again. This time, though, I was knocked out by what felt like a shovel.
When I woke up again, I saw that I was back in this underground bunker thing again, and I was greeted by a very angry face from Tord. Instead of a comfy bed, I was tied down to an old, metal, wobbly, and quite uncomfortable chair.

Then the face got angrier before finally saying, "What were you thinking? Do you want me to bruise your pretty face? Do you want me to beat your frail body? As much as I do not want to. ruin min søte kjæreste, I will do what I must teach you to obey." he said sternly before I was untied and rammed to the floor. Mother Fucker.."N-NO PLEASE- AAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!" I screamed as a dull knife pierced through my skin. The pain was so bad, it was like running a thick piece of glass over your skin, or using a rusty, dull razor blade from a pencil shasrpener. I screamed my lungs out before I noticed. This motherfucker used the same shitty knife to cut open a lemon, he coated the blade in its juice, it running down the handle and down his hands, he continued to carve what felt like letters onto my back. When he finished he squeezed whatever was left of the lemon juice into the new cuts that lied in my upper back.

The scream I let out was so horrendous that he immediately stopped in his tracks, then carefully, he rubbed my back, he left for a moment. I let out soft sobs and tried to hide in my hands. When Tord came back, he had a first aid kit, gause and medical wrap, he slowly approched me. I just kind lied there and let him wrap me up, "O-okay... I.. um, I think you have learned your lesson." he said softly, wiping the tears from his eyes. Then he picked me up bridal style and took me back to that small bedroom and put me back in the comfy bed.
I started to sob uncontrollably, hiccuping here and there trying to calm myself down. Tord held me close and he very carefully rubbed my back.

Carefully to avoid irritating the brand new scars he left on my back. Instead of leaving me there alone in my misery, he held me until I fell asleep, comforting me, as if he meant to hurt me, but he felt bad because he knew he hurt me way too much.. He felt bad… About hurting me. throughout the next few days, at least I think its been a few days… Tord was very careful with me, he'd gently kiss my forehead, cheeks and nose, he wouldn't leave me alone or untended for any more then three hours, he’d disinfect my wounds then would re-wrap me up, but even then he had cameras watching me to make sure I wouldn't die or something.

Sometimes he would bring me treats like chocolate and some of my favorite fruity alcoholic drinks, but without the alcohol, he would hold me in his lap and run his fingers through my hair and everytime I asked why he wouldn't let me have any alcohol, he would always respond with "One day your liver will shut down and the ones you love the most will mourn you and will be miserable without you..." He said with a sad tone in his voice and a somber look on his face, then he kissed my hand.
I took what he said into consideration.

"Well… I mean the death part was wanted... But I guess I didn't think about what would happen after my death..." I said in response. I remembered all the times that Edd would try to get me to stop drinking or that one time he kicked me out until I sobered up a bit.

Then I remembered when Matt would try to teach me 'self-love' exercises to help with the "I hate myself so much I'm going to drink myself to death!" His words. Matt would always say that when I told him that I didn't care and I thought it was stupid…

I'm a massive jerk... All these stupid junked up thoughts made me want to cry, they were just trying to help me, and I just pushed them away.

Maybe I'll be able to apologize to them when I get out of here… If I get out of here. My thoughts were interrupted when Tord pulled me onto his lap and held me as I teared up. "Shhh, solskin, it's okay... shhh." he kissed my forehead as I just gave up and cried into his shoulder. All of the terrible things I said and did, all because I didn't want to admit that I was hurt, all the shitty things I said to my friends all because I was too stubborn to get help. I really need help… Help with the childhood abuse, the self harm, the suicide. God damn, I’m a fucking train wreck.
The worst part was that I was enjoying this comfort. I’m not used to being loved on or held, sure I would get the occasional hug from Matt and Edd but that was about it. Its probably just  because he was the only one here.

I feel so awful and guilty. They meant well but I would just yell and bitch at my friends when they tried to help me through my emotional garbage... I miss them so much.. I hope they're not too worried about me.