For the most part i can say my early years of childhood was quite normal. I mean i had to grow up with a single mother and 2 younger siblings plus a disabled older sister but life was still cool. Elementary school was fun i was a real girly girl color coordinating clothes and just playing dolls. I had alot of friends around the neighborhood that i went to school with, so everday we'd ride our bikes or play hide & seek, you know kid stuff.
I really enjoyed going outside with my friends when i could because i spent most of my time at the babysitter due to my mom working night. My babysitter was a carribean lady who had several other kids around my age, younger, and older and she kept most of them over night like us. She had several of her own children as well and a husband.
The only thing i believe made going there alot easier for me was one of her daughters, Tara.
She was the only one that was so nice to me! She would always let me help her clean her room, help her decorate or organize, make food and best of all she'd save me from having to be around the other kids my age. She made me feel like i was a big kid and it also felt like i was her little helper so it was fun being there as long as she was around.
For the most part i never really knew my dad, but my mom was with my brothers dad for as long as i was born so i considered him to be my dad at the time. He took the place of my father really, he made sure i felt like his real daughter, i remember going to all the his family functions and they all treated me like i was blood til this day i call them my family. I even remember he used to do my ponytails for school when my mom had to work, he really did step up and help her take care of me.
But i also remember the days i could hear them fighting and cursing really loud. I was very young, but its hard to forget altercations u witnessed between your parents. I seen alot that i probably shouldnt have between them especially the times when it would get a little physical but i never said a word.
On and off he'd leave us she'd say he was going away for a little while or he was going out of town. Im not sure how i figured it out but eventually i caught on, those trips were trips in jail. It started to sadden me because it affected my brother, he was pretty close with his dad. And then next thing i knew i had a baby brother on the way and our dad was "out of town". I remember over hearing my babysitter's daughters Tara & Tanya talking about their situation something about my youngest brother couldnt be my step dad's child. I knew that was a lie, my mom loved him she would've never had an affair while he was away.
I was about 7 or 8 years old when i officially met my biological father. I had old memories of him getting me when i was probably a few years old but i didnt quite remember him or his face. When the day came I remember my mom taking me to meet him and everyone told me i looked exactly like him. Our relationship was weird, there was no emotion there at all. No hugging and kissing daddy or crying on daddy's lap, not even a daddy daughter day to get ice cream.
I spent most of my time with my step mom and his two step daughters who ive grown to love as my real sisters. My mom started taking me over there every other weekend after she picked my brothers and I up from afterschool. She'd drop me off on Friday pick me up on Sunday and the weekends with them were fun. I never knew what my step mom was cooking for sunday dinner or for dessert but it was always good! Boy can that lady cook.
I was really close with the youngest one, Nicki. Maybe it was because we were so close in age, she played dolls with me and we also played school. The oldest one Mya, i felt like she didnt really pay me any mind or care for me like that. How i see it my step mom was my father, whenever my mom needed help she stepped up to the plate and she was always there for me so i guess i didnt feel like i was missing anything at that time because in all reality i had two moms.
That went on for awhile until my sisters got older and started going to their biological dad's house and i started being the only kid there. I was bored, my dad didnt pay me any mind or spend time with me so eventually i told my mom i didnt want to go anymore. I also remember there being a point where my dad would get mad drunk and get physical with my step mom. There was a night my pops got into an altercation with my aunt and her boyfriend then he went on to fighting my step mom.
They were in their room alone and only the lord knows what was going on in there between them but i just remember my step mom yelling out "Stop I Have Kids". I was so terrified i was glad when my mom came to pick me up that night.. but i never said a word. I did ask her some time after and she told me he had pulled a knife out on her, i felt bad she was dealing with that but i think thats another reason i decided i didnt want to come around.
We moved to a new neighborhood and thats when i learned how hot in the head i could be. I was reckless in 5th grade i was getting into fights all the time with boys and just couldnt control my anger. Around this time i even bumped heads with my mom alot and my mouth and attitude was getting out of control. But i was also learning how to be a big help to my mom when it came to my siblings.
Learning how to hook up my big sister's feeding tube and suction her or watch over her whenever my mom had to step out. I was learning how to do everything for my disabled sister, cook, clean, & even help out sometimes with my brothers. I wanted to be mommy's big helper because i knew my mom needed someone to help her get things done.
When i was in 6th grade i started feeling like a new person i had more friends, i was going to a very fun school but it was also alot of drama. I hung with alot of girls, got into alot of girl drama of course because we werent learning about much so we had too much time on our hands. 7th grade i was different i started color coordinatong my clothes with my eye shadow and accessories and well lets just say i wasnt really understood.
Girls never liked me for the smallest things in my life. Whether i was too skinny, i wore too much colors, or i was too bubbly and loud but i didnt care. I started being in front of the camera more and expressing myself through pictures. I was convinced that my size was beautiful and that i could be a model & my mom was in for it too! I took multiple of my own pictures, blew them up and took them to a modeling agency.I was super excited after meeting up with them and hearing about how they could start my career and make me the star i wanted to be but then my mom looked them up and their grade was a D. My feelings were hurt but i was still convinced with the help of my mom that one day it would happen.
When i was about 12 or 13 i finally learned about not being able to trust someone, i put my trust in my uncle just for him to touch on me. The thought of how him touching me probably turned him on grossed me out. Before i could even get into liking boys my own uncle was telling me i was attractive?? I was scared and i was confused this was someone i trusted he was my uncle! How could you think i was sexy and im your wife's niece? THATS SICK. And who knows what else wouldve happened had i not moved away and asked him to leave my room. Thank god he didnt rape me!
When my mom found out she confronted him along with my grandmother because she lived with us at the time. He came over with my aunt ( my grandmother's sister ) and stated he didnt remember doing any of it and after that they just pretended like it never happened. That really made me feel invisible the fact that he was able to still come to family functions and nobody else in the family ever found out what a perv he really was it was like they completely said screw what happened to me.
I was hurt that my own mom and grandmother allowed this man to still be in my life and in my presence. I was furious but i had to let it go because i was the child and i was the little person in the situation. I was having nightmares about being raped and kidnapped for years after that. & apart of it i felt like was my fault, did i not cover myself up enough? Did i not stress to them enough how i felt about everything? But what could i do im the child they're the adults.
Im not sure how i should feel when it comes to my sister Jay but i really do wish things didnt happen the way they did because i really wanted to have a bond with my big sister. What can i say man that girl there is a soldier she is a true fighter. As long as ive been born she's fought through so much in and out the hospital from the tube in her stomach to the trache in her throat.
What's even harder for me is the fact she was born just like us! Walking, talking trash and doing what toddlers do, but when she was about 3 she had a brain tumor and that's why she's unable to walk and talk. Sadly i was only a couple months old when she got sick so all i have as memories is my grandmother telling me how she used to carry me around and say i was her baby, sometimes even drop me on my head trying to be a big sister. Id give anything to have her do that again. I know that sounds crazy but i say that because id do whatever to hear her voice, feel her hold me and be able to interact with me TODAY.
I always wonder what life would have been like had she been able to walk and talk. I always ask myself what would our relationship be like, what would her personality be like being that we're both Sagittarius. How her voice would be, how much we would have in common or how protective she probably would have been over all of us. But i know god makes no mistakes and i wouldnt trade her for the world, when i make it i promise ill give all my money if i have to towards making sure she's straight forever.
When it came to my anger i believe alot of it came from my dad at that time. On and off i was trying to reach my dad and i remember one time i went to his house and begged him to be in my life. I wanted nothing more in the world but to be a daddy's girl and have an emotional connection with him. This man told me "alright ill see what i can do" & never has he ever after that conversation made an effort to fulfill my needs.
I think another part of that anger came from my grandmother. She was an alcoholic and when her boyfriend passed she came to live with us. I was young but knew what was going on and I knew when she was drunk. We bumped heads very bad because she always said hurtful things to me and I was very defensive. I always talked back to defend myself. Yeah now as an adult I understand it's wrong but it was wrong for my grandmother to talk to me how she did too right?
I never really had a relationship with my mother and it always seemed like she loved my brothers more so it was easy for others to convince me so too because I was a vulnerable as a child. My grandma told me things like my mom don't care about me all she care about is those boys, meaning my brothers. She told me my mom was jealous of me and all kind of ridiculous things that I actually believed at the time. Everyone around me eventually told me things about my relationship with my mother and they all said the same thing so I grew to be angry towards her.
Though my mom had a few guys in and out of our life to fill the daddy position, its nothing like having your actual father in your life. And even so, those guys came around for a few months to a few years and once things didnt work out POOF THEY'RE GONE and here was another one we had to meet and respect as a father. I was over it, i got tired of getting close with her boyfriends then all of a sudden they leave but i dont think she understood what that did to us, and well i never spoke on it cause i could only imagine what it did to her.
Freshman year of high school besides my grades i was focusing on gaining weight in all the right places. I was skinny all my life and i just got tired of it. I was tired of hearing im too small or im too skinny, and so i wanted a little shape so i started eating alot on purpose and working out. I hated that year of high school but i also loved it because i then learned a few things about myself. Like the fact i really do not mix with GIRLS.
I remember all the nonsense i got into that year, from getting bullied to actually almost getting jumped in front of the whole school. That day felt like a set up. I had a substitute so i decided to go to B lunch with my two girl friends i was hype i was thinking we was about to have so much fun cracking jokes with other people doing silly stuff during lunch period. Soon as i went in the cafeteria there was a group of girls all trying to confront me at once.
I was confused by all of it but hey i left that cafeteria without those two friends but instead with a guy i just started talking to at the time. That whole year was just rough for me and i found myself ready to just give up i didnt even want to go to school anymore. I lied to my mom about being sick or not feeling well just to avoid the issues at school. I couldnt even ride the bus without beinh tortured by the older guys and once my mom seen how bad it was she told me i never had to go back.
So then came Sophomore year where i had so much fun, i was at a new school doing new things and meeting different people. I joined the best marching band of broward county and even though it was tiring i had so much fun on trips and just performing with them. I was also in a performing arts program so i enjoyed doing concert band as well and then symphonic. Practices were fun even if i wasnt really taking music serious and was just enjoying time with friends outside of class.
I loved doing half time shows and just dancing and playing for the crowd, it would always put me in a better mood. Concert band was so much fun because we played different types of music and performed for judges and other people. I even wanted to go to famu at one point because i enjoyed doing both so much. But my love for it started to fade because i really didnt have a support system.
My family couldnt make it to many of the halftime shows, and never came to one performance as a concert band. I think it only bothered me because i saw how other people's parents and family members would be in the audience or in the stands and mine wasnt, including my dad who i tried inviting a few times. My mom wasnt able to make it because most times she had to work and couldnt take off so i understood that.
Eventually i let go of band to focus on working and going to school. I started working when i was about 15 or 16 so that i could be able to provide for myself i didnt get paid much but it was something compared to no income at all. It was the summer of 10th grade when i met Jay, he lived on the next street from me and he was mad cool. We never really argued at the time and it was completely innocent. I was still a virgin and he wasnt looking to pressure me for sex, which was different for me because every guy i knew wanted to take my v-card.
We hung out everyday, and we could kiss all day and not do anything at all it was cute. School had arrived and we went to seperate schools and thats when the drama came. A girl i went to school with came to me on social media trying to confront me about him and i thought it was crazy being that i was with him everyday and had no idea of there being other girls. He'd let me be on his phone, post myself on his social media and more. But it was true, because as soon as i asked him he totally dissed me and even called me a bitch trying to defend her.
After that i left him alone, met someone who was going to the same school as i was and he was on the basketball team. Very known around school even though he was the new kid, & he was tall and slim. I remember walking out the cafeteria and he either psst or whistled at me and me being me i looked back at him with a mean mug. But he saw right through my attitude and still didnt give up.
We dated for a few months but it was hell. He ended up being a loud mouth liar and a cheater. Here i was in the 11th grade picking fights with girls over a boy because i believed him over them. It was girls at our school and other schools claiming they sexually messed with him or dealt with him & i was completely embarassed. Everyone on social media and in school knew about us so it was like i was the laugh of the school because of his ways.
I even found out he had a whole girlfriend before me & was also dating her too. So here it is everyone at school knows im his girl & then sees him posting another girl while we're dating. He'd even go live on social media and tell everyone im his girl to stop telling me stuff. It was just a complete mess & eventually i had to just leave him alone.
Once I did that somehow I found myself messing with Jay again. This time around he had a car and he was living with his dad which was a few minutes away. We hung out more often and next thing I know I met his dad and I was going over there every chance I got if I wasn't at work or in school. The more I went to see him the more curious we got in the relationship. We went from teasing to him actually taking my virginity.
At this time we were dating in and off for about a year and it was the summer before senior year so I said why not. I trusted him. I was more comfortable with him than I was with any other guy cause it really wasn't about sex, it just happened. But the day it happened, I cried for hours. I felt like I had let my mom down because when I was 16 she gave me a purity ( that's I lost ) and i promised her I wouldn't have sex until marriage.
I promised her that because I knew how much it meant to her. I knew she her fear was me going through what she went through, she didn't want me to go through any of that at all. But she made me promise her to never do something I knew nothing about. She never talked to me about boys or sex so honestly I didn't know much about it or cared for it so I promised her I wouldn't. So one year later the day came and I lost my virginity and I felt like I failed her. I was so devastated.
I told him how hurt I was and how I felt about it and he cheered me up so I felt a little better. But I hid that from her for awhile and that was hard too. We dated for awhile and things started to change, I started to see him for who he really was but apart of me was falling weak so I didn't want to believe it. And boy did he play a good role when it came to making me believe him. I was naive & gullible. I had never felt this way before.
Females were popping up here and there. We always fought about old things he'd see in my phone from before we were together so that he could manipulate his cheating to make me look bad. It was disgusting. There came a time where he really needed me and I started helping him out. He asked me a few times if I could pay for something damaged on his car or help him pay for something to get done on his car and I did it.
He always said he'll pay me back but he never did. And I never was the type to bring up what I did for a person because I did it out of the kindness of my heart so I never mentioned it. I later on met his mom and his sister and I became very close. The more I got to know his family the more I caught on to what he was really doing. His sister never failed to tell me what was up. And as much as I didn't want to hear it she made a lot of sense.
His lies started to catch up with him, and the more we were sexually intimate the more controlling he got. He didn't want me to wear certain clothing because of my shape and he didn't want me to go to any parties or events. He felt like I would do something dumb like cheat or dance on some guy and he didn't want me being seen either. So I didn't go anywhere. No teen functions, no events or parties and I can tell you I lost a lot of friends behind it. It's funny because he was doing his own thing all along.
I remember one night he called me like 1am asking if I could get him an Uber home he was out hanging with friends in the flea market parking lot. At the time I didn't think he was lying because that's something ridiculous to lie about so I got him the uber and I don't think I brought it up. But one night I was outside his mom's house with his sister and we were just talking. She then ask me why I didn't attend a girl's party bus with Jay and his people. And I said huh? What party bus? And she just got quiet and looked at me funny.
I was so embarrassed especially because I was doing right in this relationship and he was making me look like a damn fool in front of everyone. Its like the moment we started having sex things went wrong. Girls kept popping up too. His ex and some other female was texting his phone often. I remember mentioning it to his sister and she was even well aware of both of the girls, they were from his past.
I don't know what it was but I couldn't leave him alone. I was so attached to him and started being very clingy it was weird and he knew how to play with my head too. But even with all that we still were growing a bond and I felt like he cared about me. Mainly because around this time I didn't have my dad and my mom and I were bumping heads bad and he was there for me the whole time. I didn't feel like I had a bond with anyone in my life and I was able to vent to him and just let it all out.
His dad went away to prison and he moved back with his mom and that's when he changed for the worse. He was way more disrespectful towards me and started cheating and lying even more. That's when my migraines and the pain in my neck and shoulders started. I was under a lot of stress. I wasn't getting along with my mom I wanted to run away and on top of that I have a boyfriend that keeps embarrassing me. That's when the cutting started again.
