overkill (tw!)

denial

he gathered his crumpled school clothes to his chest and scrambled to the nearest cubicle and slammed the door so the chatter of the other boys became a low hum. ridiculous, he thought as he slumped backward onto the white panels of the door. he tried to absorb the coolness of it but he was just replacing it with musty sweat, tried to take a deep breath but his lungs grew with the same damp cloud that he carried into those four corners. growing frustrated and needy, he resorted to fabricate the person his mind was so full of in the starkest bitter hue he could fashion. in moments such as these, the hatred he had for this other boy would dwindle and flicker leading to an onslaught of panic that would back him into a small corner just as it had done now.  more so, it was the instilled malevolence towards himself that enabled him to garner and project such hostility towards such a beautiful person. he took his hatred to be his greatest wall that sheltered even his shadows from invented suspicion, that's all it was to him, hollow venom that suppressed any suspicions of these tiresome back-alley wars with himself. of course these doubts were nowhere to be felt outside his walls but that did not prevent him from relentlessly scolding himself for hours under the illusion that he was in the wrong and for a long time he remained behind this blanket of self deception at the forefront of his mind. 

this is really scrappy, this whole work is, im just trying it out. trying to phrase some ideas.