Ultraviolet ✔️

9.2

Chapter Nine, Part 2

You know how in the movies the main character shoots upward in bed after a nightmare gasping for air? That's a pretty accurate depiction of what it actually looks like. I'm actually wailing with tears pouring down my cheeks. It takes me a second to realize it wasn't real, and even after I find myself in my bed, I can't shake the aftershocks.

Joel had felt real and warm to the touch. I could've sworn we were together, and that the nightmare was truly playing out.

"No," I cry. "No, no, no."

"Violet!" Betsy opens my door in an instant, eyes wide with fright and her baseball bat in one hand. She softens when she sees I'm alone, dropping the weapon to the floor. "Oh, Violet. What happened?"

I shake my head, heels of my hands pressed against my eyes in an attempt to stop my crying.

She sits down on the bed next to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. I know she's probably confused, maybe even a little scared, but she doesn't ask any questions or demand anything of me. She just holds me steady while I fall apart.

I have to tell the chief. That's the only thing clear to me. Every instinct wants me to protect myself, but I can't live with myself if I end up pulling the trigger. I can't live with myself if I let him fall for me and end up taking everything from him. My guilt is coming to me in my sleep now. It's gone on long enough.

The worst part of it all is that I can't love him.

If I love him, it'll only destroy me more.

I don't even remember Betsy leaving my room, but at some point, she slips away to give me space. In self-pity, I stay in bed facing the window and staring out at the sky until the sun comes up. When dawn arrives and the workday begins, I don't waste any time in getting downstairs to my bike and making a beeline for the station. I'm probably going way too fast, but in my haste, I don't notice. I'm anxious, wild, flooring it into the parking garage.

And then I'm running.

I take the stairs two at a time because I'm too rattled to wait for the elevator. H2 is only a few floors up. It would normally hurt to run up the stairs for this length of time, but I don't notice. I think I've started crying again, weeping like a baby when I finally get the door to H2 open.

Of course. Of course, Joel would be sitting at his desk when almost no one else is here. He rises, lips parting to say my name, to ask me what's happened to get me like this. I flinch when he moves toward me. I actually flinch.

Please don't, I beg in my mind. Please don't come near me.

I bolt into the chief's office, grateful to find he's alone. Slamming the door behind me, I immediately get his attention the second I'm in the room.

"Violet?" Chief asks carefully. "Hey, what's wrong? What happened?"

"I-I d-didn't m-mean—"

My words are coming out in scattered syllables, messy and frantic. The tears are choking me, like a noose around my neck. I'm gasping for breath, partially from the running and partially from my body protesting the confession trying to force its way out.

"Slow down, Carrigan," he urges. "Breathe."

Chief is a father. While he doesn't seem like he has a gentle side, he definitely does right now. His instinct isn't to be a boss; it's to help me. I need to tell him what's going on, but I can barely take an even breath, let alone make any sensible conversation.

"I k-kill h-him." I cup a hand over my mouth.

"Who?" he questions. "What on Earth do you mean by that?"