What Could Have Been

VI

Sansa watched Jon, unsure of what to do. Should she go after him?

For the first time in years, she didn't want to. She didn't want to stop him or even ask where he was going. She was tired of that emotional mess. Anything she had had with Jon was gone and it was time to leave it where it belonged: In the past.

"Uncle Jon, Uncle Jon!" Ned ran to him, and Jon stopped in the middle of the yard, giving the other children the opportunity to surround him. "Can you tell us stories of beyond the wall?"

The Lord Commander forced himself to turn to look at the Queen, looking for guidance. They were her children, after all.

What a way to follow after such a fight.

"Your grace?"

Sansa walked to them graciously, and Jon followed her feet with his eyes. She had a delicate walk, almost as if she was floating just steps above the thin snow that coated the ground.

"Don't scare them," she instructed. "Please."

He just nodded, and the two turned their heads to see Podrick walking out of the castle, walking to his wife with worry of his face.

"Sansa," he stopped by her side, laying a hand on her lower back. "Do you feel well?"

The children around the three watched them, some confused and the others just hoping the Queen and the Lord of Winterfell would just leave so Lord Commander Snow could tell his story.

"Yes. We were just talking. Ten years apart demands a lot of catching up."

Her husband smiled and reached out, kissing Sansa's lips delicately. The gesture came so naturally that Jon was taken aback for a moment, quickly reminding himself that they were together for eight years. For a moment, it was like seeing Ned and Catelyn again, not for their appearances – although Sansa was her mother's perfect portrait – but for how he could see the love between them even if he tried his best to ignore it.

"It's good to see you here, Jon," Podrick affirmed, and Jon felt a pinch of jealousy in his own heart at how sincere the man sounded at first. "Sansa missed you very much. She was very sad when we found out you couldn't come to our wedding back then and our celebrations after that. It's good to see that you decided to clean a few days to visit us, after all."

Jon's adam's apple bobbed under Sansa's eyes, and she held back an expression of surprise powdered with sass. She hadn't been able to say what Pod had just said to her former lover and was happy someone else had the same thought as her. It wasn't regal for her to say what was in her mind – even if it was with someone she was supposed to be close to – but her husband wasn't a royal or even raised as a prominent member of a noble family. He could afford the luxury of insinuating the Lord Commander had been actively avoiding his own family.

"We should get inside," Sansa finally intervened, "The children want to hear Jon's stories and I was wondering if we could have a last dance."

Podrick turned to her, the shadow of hostility he had on his eyes vanishing at the smile of the woman he called wife.

"I'll dance as many dances as you want, my love."

Sansa smiled more openly and took his hand, not bothering to spare a glance at Jon when leaving with Podrick. They'd dance, and her conversation with the man she once loved would soon be just another memory of the night, much smaller than the happier ones she'd created with everyone around.

The night came too early, however, and she couldn't avoid the conversation she'd have to have with Podrick. So they sat in the Lord's chamber – the place she came to occupy and became his own part-time chambers – in silence, the man who'd met her so many years ago waiting for what she had to say.

Sansa crossed her hands one over the other, quiet and terrified of the consequences that her words would be, she needed to tell Podrick the truth. He gave her all of his heart and soul every day for eight long years, and she couldn't hold that from him anymore.

"I loved him," she finally found the courage to say. "I loved him a lot, actually. More than I should have, I know that now."

Her husband only watched her, taking the words silently, and the Queen continued the words, clearly putting an effort on it.

"In Castleblack... I don't know what came to us in Castleblack, honestly. He'd just died and was brought back to life and I felt free for the first time in my whole life. Joffrey was dead, Cersei was in King's Landing, Ramsay couldn't reach me... I had someone who loved me and would do anything for me. That's where it started."

She stopped to breathe and raised her eyes to see what was on his face, and Podrick finally spoke that question he'd been asking himself for long years.

"Have you ever lied with him?"

She shook her head.

"Never. We only went as far as kissing that night, and every night after that. It was as if I was out of my mind... Well, I really was out of my mind," she corrected herself.

Sansa moved her hands to her face, covering herself in shame. She couldn't even understand what had happened to her to feel like that then.

"Gods, it was exhausting. Hiding and pretending nothing was different, while I loved him and hated myself for doing so. And then he left to Dragonstone, and the time apart helped me thinking."

"You thought it could work," he muttered, remembering the changes he'd seen in her during that time. "And then he came back."

Sansa bit her lower lip, feeling a much smaller version of the anger she'd felt years prior coming up.

"I was heartbroken. I stopped talking to him except when needed and he never came after me with as much as an apology. When I stopped avoiding him, it was just in time to say goodbye."

Finally, she raised her eyes to look at him.

"And you know the rest of the story already. You were here for it."

For long and painful moments, Podrick just stood in silence, sat on his chair. He didn't even move his eyes from where they were resting on his hands, and for the first time in the eight years of marriage, Sansa felt fear. What if he stood up and left? What should she tell their children? And the baby in her belly... Jon had been a liability for years and she's just let all that pain go, She couldn't imagine him being the reason she'd be left all alone again.

"So, you did love him?" he asked, finally. "Truly?"

"The first real love I had in life," she sighed.

"I can see why it hurts you," he whispered. "Sounds painful."

She just nodded. To her surprise, however, he reached for her hand.

"It's in the past," he affirmed finally. "It's gone now."

Sansa's shoulders dropped, finally relaxing, and she lowered her head once again.

"It is. But seeing him still hurts."

"Then don't see him anymore," he said like it was obvious. "Leave him behind like the rest of your pain. You don't have to feel it, I don't want you to feel it, not anymore."

Sansa smiled softly and took his hand to her face, pressing her cheek onto his palm.

"You know I can't, she whispered. "He's my burden to bear."

He reached out, pulling her up and kissing his wife's lips, holding her face between his hands and moving one of them to her hair, undoing the braid as much as he could before pulling away and turning her around to finish it, kissing her pale neck gently and freeing the red locks he loved too much.

"My love for you will never..." he nibbled on her skin, moving up to her earlobe. "Ever..." he licked it. "Change."

Sansa let out a small whimper and let her head fall on his shoulder while Podrick's abled fingers undid her clothing, undressing her and making sure to kiss every inch of available skin he could find.

When was finally naked, he fell onto his knees in front of her, moving his hands up her longs legs and staring into his wife's piercing blue eyes.

"Let me adore you, my love," he whispered, kissing her creamy thigh. "Please?"