What Could Have Been

VII

The festivities were hard to Sansa, Podrick could clearly see. When the morning came, she was too tired and too nauseous to leave their her chambers, and Pod – after much insistence – had taken his wife's place around the castle in what he could, and Sir Davos stepped up as Hand of the Queen to keep the royal duties working.

It was almost lunchtime when he walked down to see the men sparing – he'd be there if he wasn't too busy – and found Gendry having a conversation with the smiths while Jon finished up sparing one of their greatest fighters. The soldier walked away when he saw the Lord of Winterfell approaching them, but the Lord Commander of the Night's Watch stood in his place.

" My lord," he greeted him. "Good morning."

" Since when do you call me my Lord, Lord Commander?" he questioned, surprised.

Jon looked down and smiled the tiniest bit.

" You're a Lord now, Pod," he noted. "You've been for almost a decade now, you should be used to it."

The lord of Winterfell didn't answer, just shrugging and looking around.

" She's happy you came, you know that?" he noted. "She's always happy when one of you shows up. The first time Arya came, she cried when she saw her, and when Bran sent a letter saying he'd come to one of her birthdays, she could barely sleep the night he was supposed to arrive."

Jon opened a small smile. Of course, she was happy. Sansa was a family woman, she loved nothing more than to have all of the Starks around her.

" I plan to come back," he declared. "I'm unsure of when, but I would like to meet the new Prince or Princess when they are born."

Podrick confirmed silently.

" I am sure she will be elated," he affirmed. "She thinks this one is a girl."

" And you think so too?" Jon asked.

" I think we could have another five after this one," he shrugged and both laughed loudly. "Sansa loves children and I think the more, the merrier."

The sound of their laughs filled the castle until it went silent again, and Jon stared at the direction her chambers were, wondering if they looked the same as when he's been there if she slept the same way she did when he was there. Thoughts he couldn't have.

" I know you lied," Podrick affirmed, making Jon turn to him in surprise.

" What?"

" You didn't love her, did you?" he asked. "The dragon queen. You never did."

He was shocked, and couldn't answer for a moment, which just made him continue.

" The way you looked at her. You tried hard. Lord Tyrion told me of the threats she made about Sansa, the things she wanted from you and how you defended my wife even at the cost of your head. I know about what you had," he continued, staring at the man who'd once been King and taking a deep, long breath. "At least the important parts, and I didn't push for more. Now a lot of things make sense, to be honest. I understand what you did, now."

Jon swallowed down hard, clearly defensive at this point.

" I'm not here to cause a strain in your relationship, Podrick," he was quick to affirm. "I..."

" I'm not worried about that," he interrupted him. "I just want you to know that I know it."

Jon only nodded silently and looked away, not wanting to push the subject further, but Podrick wasn't done.

" My problem with you is what you did to her after," his face hardened. "If it were for me you would be leaving this castle and never coming back."

The Lord Commander turned his head to look back at him, tensing up completely.

" But she sees you as her family, and she wants you around her and our children. Winterfell is your home as much as it is mine. I just want you to remember that before you spend another 10 years torturing her for something she never did."

He walked away before Jon could answer, leaving him to absorb his words in silence. When he raised his eyes, Sansa was watching him from one of the higher balconies, and for once – for the last time of that trip – he pretended the smile she opened meant more, before settling down on his decision. It was time to leave.

" I'll be back for the twins' name-day," Jon promised. "They wouldn't forgive me if I missed it."

Sansa smiled, caressing the hair of the two boys on her sides.

" Have a safe journey back," she wished. "I'll send you a letter when it is time, I know days can merge into one another when you're so up North."

He just nodded and bowed before climbing up his horse and guiding his horse out, turning around when he was about to leave the gates like he'd the last time he'd left her, back in King's Landing, raising a hand to wave her goodbye, but she was already gone.