I Was A Coward

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There is no light that cuts between the clouds, it's too quiet, too closed

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There is no light that cuts between the clouds, it's too quiet, too closed. 

Stay calm I tell myself when the blinking eyes of the long-dead Wilds meet with mine. Thousands of them are circled around in silent observation waiting for something. . . Anything. 

 A shine of two sickled slices of the Moon's eyes breaks through the distance, watching. A fear picks up inside my chest burying the next breath.  A sick feeling in my gut rises up, threatening to spew out if I don't look away from this challenge.

The Wild shifts within to meet the provocation of those sickled eyes that remind me of teeth, ready to eat. Ready to cut.  There is no fear of oblivion within the Wild as she starts to track the Moon as prey. . . The Wild will not tuck her tail, she will not drop her shoulders, she will not rub her belly low on the ground. No, the Wild  deep-roots herself through me, into the soil of the ground — anchoring her place. 

Spine-straight, all teeth, the Wild demands the full attention of those eyes' owner.

The wind bites itself through the clouds, the sound reminds me of a harsh laugh, tearing between the leaves on the trees. All the Wilds disappear along with the sickled eyes as the sun's rays come back with a vengeance. A hawk shrieks high in the sky, displacing the gathering crows that glide on the thermals. 

A breath heaves out and sinks in time with Odin's breath in, he comes back into the focus of things. Sometimes, like right now, I think those greens can swallow me whole. If I let him, he could swallow all of me. 

"An abomination." My words shove between our distance, creating more space. 

"Abomination," he says through an empty throat. 

"I'm not going to break myself for you. I won't do it. I was close. I gave you almost everything. . ." The words feel as if they are devouring Odin—swallowing him whole. 

"I never wanted you to break yourself for me. I just wanted you to love me." The words bleed out slow. 

"That's a lie. Everything you've done was to break me in half. Everything you have done has been to punish me for being an Abomination. No matter what I do, I will never be good enough for you." My heart continues to beat, it's just an act of muscle memory because right now I swear, my heart has died inside my chest. Is it possible for a heart to die and still feel the phantom beats?

"I will not sacrifice myself for you. Never again."

Greens blink — grief-stricken. Naked.

"I was a child the first time you made me bleed, and I haven't stopped bleeding since. I won't let you bleed me dry. I won't do it anymore." My finger points at the soft skin on his throat. 

"I never wanted you to bleed." The sound he makes is awful.

"I'm not sure I believe that, Odin." Said like bloodsport through the exhale of my body. Shoulders feel lighter, the wind nudges against my cheek. 

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