Ace of Hearts - Haikyuu || Short Stories || One Shots || Creative Rambles

Girl Crush || Karasuno

[Uhm, I think this is angst?]

How do you stop something already in motion?

Experts say it takes a solid month to break a bad habit, but what do you do to break an obsession? Is there even a cure?

Above all else Hirai Nao knew she wasn't a lesbian. She had been to enough sleepovers to know she never wanted to kiss another girl again. They had too many curves, too much flesh, too many needs. She was confident that was not where her life was leading.

And yet, she was uncharacteristically obsessed with Shimizu Kiyoko. I mean, that girl had everything, right? There wasn't a single aspect of Kiyoko that was lacking. Seriously, have you seen her? All you had to do was take one look at the damn woman to know that she had her life together and everyone knew it.

She had the looks. She had the grades. And, above everything else, she had an unyielding group of fanboys at her beck and call (as if she would ever beck or call them), who would probably, literally, kill for her.

Okay, so they were just the boys' volleyball team, but COME ON - they're definitely fanboys.

Shimizu was perfection personified and Nao had lost her goddamn mind bearing witness to it.

Nao couldn't remember when it started - this weird obsession - but it was probably around the time that her family imploded. There were a lot of things from that time she didn't remember well.

She couldn't remember when her parents stopped looking at each other with soft eyes and started screaming instead of talking. She couldn't remember when her best friend stopped coming around, because the screaming scared them. But it was probably around the time that she started losing interest in the story of her own life that she fell head-first into the fantasy of Shimizu Kiyoko.

And what a fantasy it was! It wasn't even solely her that saw the sparkles follow the third year wherever she walked. It wasn't only her that saw a goddess among men. It wasn't even fair how utterly perfect she was.

In a direct comparison, Nao could only imagine one situation in which she would arise victorious and that was merely that Nao didn't need glasses to see the world. But, let's be real here, Kiyoko's glasses really only added to her appeal. Life was unfair.

As Nao watched Kiyoko everyday, her heart would sink under the weight of her wishes. First thing in the morning she would stare with envy as the volleyball manager was fawned over by two second years who saw no other woman but Kiyoko. At 11:11 she'd close her eyes and wish to be as flawless as Shimizu - for her long, raven hair that shined without sunlight, for her steely gray eyes, her perfect pout and the kind of beauty mark that only befalls true goddesses. At lunch, she'd compare her meal to that of her idol, wondering if she was eating too much, or maybe not the right mixture of nutrients. And when lessons ended, she'd sneak her way to the gym, place herself just outside the periphery of the players and let her little green monster overgrow her soul as she watched the boys dote on their queen, who performed every task to perfection.

If she watched long enough, maybe she'd become more like her and then, maybe, someone would love her the way Kiyoko was loved. If she had those legs, that smile and maybe that as- ah, no. She wouldn't go there. There was only so much she could allow herself to pine after. Perfection would never be obtainable.

Still, she longed to know what brand of shampoo the ravenette used. If she used the same type of toothpaste as Nao - would that mean that kissing either of them would taste the same? Would drowning herself in the same scents, same textures would make them similar enough to garner the same affections?

Every thought plagued Nao as she wandered mindlessly through her day and continued to beat inside her head as she tried to sleep.

If she followed along religiously, would she too be able to have a school family? Could she be welcomed by a group of people - a team - that would shelter her away from everything outside of their friendships? Would she have even just one person to run to?

Could anything within her power ever actually be enough when she couldn't hold a candle to the goddess?

Nao would be the first to admit - if anyone ever actually asked her - that she was lost adrift in an unhealthy obsession, but it wasn't the one you'd guess.

Yes, she had an unnatural girl crush on Shimizu Kiyoko, but the real delusion she lived in was thinking she could ever compare.

And she could really use a cure. 

***A/N***

Ahm... I've been sitting on this one for a few weeks because I still feel like I haven't gotten it right, but I'm over circumventing the the eventuality of posting something I'm not proud of. Heh.

Anyway, thanks for reading!