One Shots

Sometimes life doesn't work out

"Can I be honest?" I asked, leaning backwards using my arms to brace myself. He nodded.

"Aren't you always honest?" he asked right back. I grinned.

"Let me rephrase that, can I speak freely? As in you can't judge whatever I have to say," I slouched over my lap, my fingers ran over the end of my hoodie, "I need to get this off of my chest before I leave."

He looked at me for a moment, "Yeah sure."

I suddenly felt very self-conscious about what I was about to release from its cage, "You know, sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to. We don't get the job we wanted or life throws us a curveball and we just have to deal with it. Sometimes we love someone even though we know that it just isn't going to work out. For me, love just never seems to be in store for me. Every male I've ever held feelings for seem to not feel the same and you know it really sucks."

He seemed to be holding his silence as well as he could. I mean, he knew he was one of those men and I didn't want him to feel like I held it against him. So before he could interrupt me, I continued.

"I hold nothing against you or any of them. I understand that when it comes to one's feelings we cannot force things. I cannot force you to love me like I love you, that would be unfair and honestly it would kill me more knowing I forced you into something rather than just living through the pain of you rejecting me," I placed a hand on his. He looked at me and I tried to convey how sincere I was in what I was saying, "You should be with someone that you love with all of your heart and that loves you just as much, if not more. I don't want you to feel like you have an obligation to anyone to be with them. It's not fair on you to be forced into something and miss out on that one person that makes you feel like the happiest man on this planet and it's not fair on someone like me to be with someone who doesn't love them the same way."

I moved away from him. My heart felt like it was going to fall out of my chest but I needed to say my piece...at least to someone other than myself, "I will say that it feels sucky to not be desired again and damn it hurts like hell, especially when your heart desires someone as badly as mine does right now, but what can I do? It just wasn't meant to be...again. That, I think, is the most sucky part about all of this. It's been so long and I haven't even had one little success. It makes you feel rather broken and unwanted. It feels like I'm not right for anyone, like this is what my life will always be. It feels like I'll still be single even when I'm ninety. It hurts, hurts like hell to think that maybe I'll never feel the love of another, that I'll never be wanted or romanced. It makes me think what is wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough? Am I too weird? What about me don't they like? It frustrates me so much and since I'm being so open right now, I might as well say that it makes me cry myself to sleep some nights. It's so difficult to understand that things don't always work out and why it seems that most things don't seem to work out for me."

By this point my face was red with frustration and cold. I just felt so angry, so hurt, so alone. I didn't have the courage in me to look at him. If I did, I knew I would break down. I needed to be strong. I stood up knowing that I needed to get out of there. My anxiety and the pain in my heart was too much to bear. I needed to finish this and leave, I needed to heal.

I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jeans to stop them from shaking or being thrown around while I talked, "I'm sorry that I forced all of this on to you. I just needed to get this out to someone. What I want to say to you is I hope you find love. I hope you find that woman that sets your heart on fire and I pray that she loves you back. I want you to be happy even though my selfish heart wishes that it was me that was by your side. I'm hoping that you get that kind wife and big family you've always wanted. I hope she cuddles you and gives you all the love you deserve. I wish you happiness, love and a long and well-lived life. Please don't feel bad for me or think that you hurt me in any way with your words. I'd rather you have told me the truth that night than pretend. That would've hurt me way more. Thank you for being a great friend and thank you for supporting me. I'll still cheer you on and support you through everything you do. You're still an amazing man with a heart of gold."

I broke my wall and looked down at him. He looked so blurry through the tears but I know he still looked like his kind and gorgeous self. I felt the tear run down my face as the thought of me never seeing him again struck me. My heart dropped into my stomach and I knew I needed to leave. I dropped a kiss to the crown of his head and started to walk backwards, leaving him seated on the grass.

"Thank you for everything and all the best. Goodbye," I wished him with a hoarse voice. I waved a weak hand and turned around before speed walking away.

The hardest part about life is when things don't work out the way that we want them to, especially in regards to love.

I never saw him face-to-face again but I watched his life from the side lines. I watched him meet a beautiful and lovely woman. I watched him get married. I watched him do the job he'd been born to do. I watched him have a family. I watched him grow old and live a happy life with his loved ones. Life didn't work the way I wanted it to. It hurt like hell and I couldn't do anything to change my fate. I couldn't stop the pain I felt and I couldn't stop the crippling sense of uselessness as I watched what I wanted move further and further away from my grip. What became of my life is my secret and I'd rather not share what I did and where I went in those decades before it was my time to pass, even though I lived and experienced the most happiness I could.

All I know is that even though it hurt like hell, I realised that life doesn't go the you wanted it to but I could make the most of it with the cards I was dealt. 

_______________________________________________________________________________

Hi.

It's been awhile.

I haven't posted any form of story since, I think, 2017.

I've had one hell of a ride since 2016. I've had a lot of heart break regarding family and possible romances. I've lost a lot of confidence in myself in the last four/five years. I have no confidence in what I write, the art I create or the words I say. I've had a really difficult journey to get to this point.

As a university student things have been hectic and I honestly don't have a grip on my mental state most days. My love life is still non-existent and that's okay since I'm still young. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though.

I wrote this because I needed to get my emotions out for once in my life. I needed to express the crippling pain in my heart I feel some days. I've been rejected. I've been led on and then ghosted. I've always been overlooked as "the friend" and the one that is always there when I need help. This story is a way that I wanted to express how I feel and kind of act as what I've wanted to say to the guys I've held feelings for, especially the one as of late that honestly and sadly will never know any of what I feel.

Depending on how things go with my assignments and uni work, I might post another one shot. I feel like it's good to express what I feel and the pain I feel, as well as the mental state I struggle with because there might be others that feel similar to how I do. I'll probably post something later tonight since sleep has not been my friend lately.

If I do another piece, it'll probably be a story version of my mental state and the difficulties I struggle with on a daily basis. I've spent too long keeping these thoughts and emotions in. It's time that they were let out.

Never stop loving and living life. There are so many amazing things and people out there. Even though that one person may not be the one, there is someone out there just waiting for you to find them. Don't stop looking and don't give up after just one failure. Don't settle for love you think you deserve. You are worth more than people say you are.

Love
Skye a.k.a. CupQuakeLover222