Are you going to kiss me?

11

This horrible guilty ache in my heart bellows. A heavy thud in my chest and an anxious feeling knowing I've left Roni without a single word.

It's been a week now, and I've been avoiding every call she's made. I cannot bring myself to answer and listen to how disappointed she is, how much she hates me, how much she regrets that night. It was the night of my life, the night of my dreams but the night of my nightmares. My sleepless nights are disturbed by flashing images of Roni feeling sad and lonely, images of us fooling around in bed, images of us cuddling up in each other's arms and images of me signing off that not with three magical words.

I love you.

I truly do, I love Roni with all my heart, which is why I had no choice by to leave, I had to escape before she woken up. I love Roni so much, that I wouldn't have made it here to New York. Becoming a firefighter has been a dream of mine since I was a little girl, I've promised myself nothing will hold me back from doing what I want, and the only thing I can ever say machine holding me back is Roni. So I had to leave while I had the chance.

But now she hates me I'm sure, hates that I left her in a cold and empty bed, without a single goodbye. I'm such a terrible person.

Again, for the 14th time today, my phone rings and displays her beautiful name, but out of habit I find myself declining her calls. I can't bring myself to listen to how much I've let her down, how bad my choice was that night, and how stupid I was to have sex with her and leave her with a note saying I love you but goodbye.

I shouldn't have done that. And that's why I'm feeling so guilty.

So I can't sit at my new apartment feeling sorry for myself, feeling lonely, feeling depressed for my own actions, I only
Know of one way that will make me forget about all the pain I'm feeling, and that's drinking.

It's a Friday night, the pubs will be busy with some live band night, so it should be fun. Who knows if I might find someone to distract me, someone who will take this pain away, someone who will fuck my problems away. Preferably not a girl, I can't be reminded of how incredible me and Roni was in bed.

I head to my bedroom, draw on my eyebrows, apply little concealer, eyeshadow and highlight, and glue on the fiercest and thickest lashes I own. I pull my hair tie out of my head and let my curls hang loose. I shimmy into a little black dress and match them with some suede black block heels and make my way to the local pub who have a live queen act. Queen was Ronis favourite.

I must have declined her calls at least another 6 times just on my walk to the pub. I step on inside and sigh. It's not like Ronis place. Roni's is so natural, it's fun, it's uplifting and everyone is having a great time, it's very casual. However this place, everyone looks rough, people are pinning everyone up the walls and sticking their tongues down one another's throats. Everyone's grinding up against everyone on the dance floor, and there's even the odd sketchy person handing out pills. This certainly isn't a pub, this is a night club. But hey... it sells drinks.

I head over to the bar and holla the bar tender. "Can I have a vodka please"

"Single or double"

"Make it a double" I sigh, tapping my fingers on the bar and scanning the room. Who looks most decent to socialise with?

"£4.80 please my love" his dark raspy voice calls over the bar. I hand him a £5 note and sip my drink, I shake off the change and let him keep the change as a tip but he insists on lingering close by. "So what's a pretty lady like you doing here alone? Single?"

"I don't know... I'm caught up on someone I guess but I'm here for the distraction" I shout over the loud music. "Is this your place?"

"It is. And I can be a pretty good distraction" he winks. "I'm killian, but everyone calls me hook"

"Hook, why?"

"Because I hook all the pretty ladies." He giggles licking his lips and leaning on his forearms over the bar. "So what do you say I take you back to my place later tonight?"

"It's going to take a whole lot more than a pick up line and a wink from those pretty blue eyes" I purse out my lips and check my phone again. 8 missed calls and 12 messages.

I open her messages at least, all of which are asking where I am, how I am, and if I'm okay and safe. One thing I do know.... she's following my Facebook.

"Actually Killian.... can I ask you a favour?" I ask, fluttering my extended pretty lashes and lick my lips knowing he can't resist.

"Sure, anything" he shrugs.

"Can we take a picture?"

"I don't see why not" he says and leans in beside me as I snap the photo. I plaster on the biggest and fakes smile as he smoulders into the camera. "There you go" he winks. "Now drink up"

I down the last of my vodka and wince. I don't know if it was from the burning feeling it made going down my throat or if it tasted a little weird and cheap.

I quickly upload the picture to Facebook and tag my location, -New York, Jollyrodgers Pub and Rave. There, now she will see that I'm perfectly fine, having the time of my life and hopefully she will move on and accept the fact that our feelings aren't mutual. I love her and she hates me. We are polar opposites.

"How about another drink? Or we can just skip the sweet talk and I can show you our basement where I take all the pretty woman" I don't know if it's his lack of skill to make drinks, or his disgusting talking that's making my skin crawl and the need to vomit. Then I notice all the crushed up white powder excess in the bottom of my glass.

I lean in close and run my hand over his stubbles on his cheek, he thinks I'm going in for a kiss and that's where I trick him. As he closes his eyes and puckers his lips, I take the almost empty beer bottle from the guy next to me and smash it over Killians head.

"You son of a bitch!" I yell slamming my hands on the bar top. "You spiked my drink!" I watch for a second as I begin to see three of him, swirling around before he falls behind the counter. But I can't stick around I need to run to the bathroom.

I put my fingers down my throat forcing myself to be sick, and i do, but that doesn't stop the dizziness or drowsiness. I eventually flush the toilet and head to the sinks where I try to splash my face with some water, but my vision disappears, I can hear everything but all I see is darkness.

"Emma!" I hear but suddenly I'm losing my balance and I come crashing to the floor.