Fireflies

Eruption

Beam POV

*crash*

Barks resonated around us as the dogs in our neighborhood were disturbed by the breaking of the jar.

"Beam, what the fuck?!"

"I-" I struggled to speak. "I don't need you! You just used me, for all I care! You never changed; you're still the same dickhead who used me to make Joanna jealous and leave! You were never a friend at all! You're still using me!" I saw the hurt register in his eyes. Even the fireflies, with their faint glow, sympathized with our misfortune. Left with nothing, I turned around and with my full might forced myself to runaway from him...

...from them.

I ran towards our house. Tears stream in torrent down my face, my chest almost exploding from the pain. I tripped a number of times but the burst of emotions enabled me to stand up and continue running. I was enveloped in anger and anxiety. I blamed all the people around me as much as I blamed myself. I know my hate will lead to nowhere because this has happened before.

It's the same just like before...

Just like before, I felt the anger swelled inside me when I saw Papa kissing one of his co-workers in the hospital where he worked. I hated him so much and went to Mama's flower shop. I destroyed the flower vases and the foliage in a fit of rage. Mama was trying to calm me down and kept on asking what was wrong. I didn't know how to tell her with what I saw so I just continued making a mess.

Just like before, I felt this when I told Mama that she spent all her time with her cursed flower shop that she didn't have any time left for me and Papa, which made Papa look for the thing that was missing to someone else.

Just like before, I felt this when I screamed at Mama in front of her customers and told her she's a negligent wife and mother

Just like before, I felt this when I told her what I saw. That I witnessed Papa kissing somebody else.

Just like before, I felt this when she abruptly ran outside to her car and sped off towards the hospital to speak to Papa.

Just like before, this was the reason why policemen came to our house when I went home that same day and they informed me that Mama's car hit the side of a 10-wheeler truck while on a rush to the hospital.

Just like before, this was the reason why her vehicle circled three times in the air, breaking her windshield, tires flying off in every direction, crushing of sixteen her bones, deflating her lungs, and ceasing her heartbeat.

Just like before, I felt this when I learned that it was my fault why she disappeared from our lives.

Just like before, I felt this when I realized that I'm the reason why Papa changed.

Just like before, this was the reason why I decided to compel myself to never cry alongside forgetting that everything was my fault. That's why I don't have the right to be disheartened, be sad, nor cry.

It's the same, just like before...

"I-" I repressed myself from whimpering in front of Papa when he opened the front door after several heavy banging.

"Beam, what's-" he quipped. "Are you crying son?"

"Papa," I yearned while holding on our door. It was such a long time since I cried, I didn't know what to do with the flood being generated by my eyes.

Papa suddenly embraced me. "What's wrong, son? Where is Firstclass? What-"

I pushed him away, because that's what I'm good at: push away everything that I have left. "I-I killed Mama, Pa!" I knelt down and cried morbidly in front of him. I buried my face on my arm while the other still holds the door. "I killed Mama, Pa! I'm the one who killed her, Papa! Me! Me, Pa, me!"

Papa immediately knelt down and embraced me again.

"No, stop! No!" I tried to push him off but he kept me caged in his arms. "No, Pa! Stop!"

"Shhh..." he calmly whispered to me. "It's okay, son..."

"No, Pa! Don't you get it?" I whimpered while still trying to get off his grip. "I killed your wife! I killed Mama, Pa!"

"No, you didn't, son..." he tried soothing me while hugging me more tightly. "Shhh... It's okay, son. Just go ahead and cry. Scream all you want, buddy. Papa is just here..."

I felt his gently kiss on my forehead and cheeks, even the subtly trembling of his arms around me, and his hand that was caressing my back.

For the first time after almost two years, I obeyed my father and returned his embrace. I poured all the sadness, pain, and regrets that I locked up inside me for a long time.

"Sorry, Pa-" I apologized.

I wanted to explain everything to him. I wanted to apologize because of my fault and for letting him blame himself for a long time for the loss of his home.

"You don't have to say sorry, Beam." He satted sweetly. "I understand and I love you, son. I'm sorry for making you feel so lost in all this. I love you, okay? Papa is just here..."

I realized I was wrong, but now I know...

It's not Papa who changed and Mama never disappeared from our side. Papa is still the same--the great family man whose only desire is to provide a comfortable life to his child. Mama is still here-even though we cannot see or hear her, she's still with us every second of our lives.

I'm the one who changed. I'm the one who disappeared. I'm the one who wore a mask. I'm the one hiding my face from others. I couldn't accept the truth that's why I did everything to forget. I changed our situation and didn't accept what really happened until I was blinded by my own lie that I was the lone victim of the incident. I was selfish. I didn't pay any attention to others but myself.

I was depleted emotionally with all the heavy emotion I poured out. But there was this certain feeling of relief. I was like a little leaf that was freely travelling to the wind's whim.

Just like this, I longed to feel something like this since this all began. Just like this.