A reason to doubt me

Where did I go wrong?

I find Lindsey in one of the smaller rooms, that is almost  empty, with a couch and a table in the middle of it. He's clearly ignoring me, he must have heard when I came in, because I made sure he would. I feel like I've been transported twenty years into the past and I'm trying to explain to my two year old son that he cannot have a cookie before dinner. Lindsey can be such a big baby sometimes and it annoyes the hell out of me. I don't think I even have to be here, calming him down, but I want nothing more than to avoid further arguments and diva tantrums.

I sit on the table top right in front of him and he's trying to look over my shoulder and burn a hole into the wall. "What is your deal, Buckingham?" He's leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and chin on his fists, I'm mimicking him and I'm sure he's fuming inside. "Could you be a little bit more obvious the next time? I don't think everyone else in the room got it why you left."

"I can't stand it when it's being rubbed in my face." 

"I don't think I follow." I sit up straight and cross my arms over my chest, where his eyes are right now, but I don't even bother.

"I'm reminded of the fact you belong to someone else every step of the way. Stevie's husband this, Stevie's husband that, Jeff and Stevie did this, Jeff and Stevie went there... I hate hearing that man's name."

"It's amazing to me. He and I got married in 1987, we had two sons and you're still not over it, you're still obsessed with it in some weird way, but Lindsey, you don't get to feel that. You and I, we work together, that's were it all stops."

"You're right." He finally looks me in the eyes. "I'm not over it and I still think of you as if you were mine and I curse myself every single day that we couldn't make it work, that we didn't care enough about us to sort things out and I let you go. When you told me it was over, again, I shouldn't have stood up and slammed the door on my way out, I should have stayed and make you see that all was not lost yet."

"But it was, Lindsey." I grip his arms and pull them away so he can't hide his face from me. "Do you remember why we separated?"

"You broke up with me so many times, Stevie, I don't know which one do you have in mind."

"Be serious for a moment, ok? You know perfectly what I'm talking about." His sigh is exaggerated, but I don't pay much attention to that. "I wanted a baby and you didn't. I was thirty seven then, you didn't have to think about being able to have children in the future, but I had to. So, tell me, how could I have thought that all wasn't lost?"

"Right and then you had your first child at fourty four."

"That is not the point."

"Isn't it? You just didn't want to wait any longer, like always, if Stephanie wants something, Stephanie has to get it at the exact same moment."

"You love using my name, don't you? You know I don't like it, but you keep doing it just to spite me."

"Doesn't Jeff call you Stephanie?"

"He does, but he's my husband."

"And you love him."

"That's why I married him."

"Come on, Stevie... It's just me, you don't have to pretend."

"I'm not pretending."

"Aren't you? Jeffrey for you is what Kristen is for me. He gave you children and she did the same to me."

"You cannot be serious. I can't speak for you, but Jeff means more to me than just that. We were married for a couple of years by the time I gave birth to Dylan."

"You didn't try to get pregnant prior to that?" His demeanor is beyond annoying. "Gee, I got you pregnant a few times myself, it's not that hard. Maybe you just didn't know how to please your husband."

"Why are you being like this?" His words hurt more than I care to admit, my eyes glaze with tears, but I don't look away, I want him to see what a cold hearted person he's being right now. "Lindsey, I did nothing but love you and I kept on loving your for as long as I could. We always had something to disagree on, but we reached that point where we came across something that was bound to separate us. Please, tell me where did I go wrong? What did I do to make you say those things to me?"

"You got married."

I hang my head low and shrug my shoulders. "So, we come back to that? You hate me, because I wanted to be happy and have a family?"

"I don't hate you and I wanted to make you a wife and a mother, Stevie, I was supposed to be the one." He emphasises the words, pounding a fist to his chest.

"Who's to blame in all this?"

"I am." For the first time ever I think Lindsey admits it and I can't quite believe it.

"Then I think all has been said, Lindsey." I get up on my feet, but he grabs my hand and stands up too.

"Tell me." He's so close... "Tell it to my face that you don't feel anything for me, that you don't think about me, that you don't let yourself go back in time, remember the good times, that you don't wish it were me lying next to you. Tell me you didn't want me to kiss yesterday, that you don't want me to kiss you now..." His hand touches my face and he brings my face closer to his. He whispers. "One simple word and I'll back off." I open my mouth, but not to say no to him. Our lips touch and don't move at first, before he encourages the kiss and I respond to what he's doing. I feel his hands on my hips and I circle my arms around his neck, but then he pulls back and I'm slightly shocked. He grips my chin gently and looks at me. "You love me, Stevie, you never stopped."