Just Another Lie, Right? [Kleinsen]

~Epilogue~

The orchard is growing.

Like, the trees are getting bigger, and I even saw a tiny apple-like fruit on one the other day. It's insane.

It's been a year and a half since the Connor Incident. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't think about it every single day. I do. I wake up, yawn, and think, "oh god remember Connor?"

Yeah, I sure do remember Connor.

Honestly it wasn't meant to become any of this. It was a letter, then it was a way to spare feelings, then it was a way to get Zoe... then it was a way to get Jared, I guess.

That's really weird.

And I just couldn't find a way to stop it at that point, because it felt like as if the lie had become the truth. There were so many nights back then when I'd stare at my ceiling and actually imagine all of that stuff happen. As if I could change the past by trying to manipulate my own memories.

It was really freaky, now that I think about it.

But the truth was, (and still is), that I never knew Connor (and never will). He was never in any classes with me, not that I can recall at least, and the only real interaction we've ever had was that day in the computer lab with my letter.

The letter.

This whole situation probably could've been avoided if I just signed the letter "Your best and most dearest friend, Evan Hansen." But I didn't, I signed "Me."

I still have that letter. Somewhere. Maybe under my bed or in my backpack. Or maybe not, maybe I left it at the therapist's office and never bothered to get it back. Now like I cared. I would rather not see that letter again, thank you very much.

But see, it's been a year and a half and I'm still dwelling over it a lot. My mom has told me a billion times that this would all feel far away soon, but it doesn't feel close to far away yet at all. How far away is far away?

-

Some people, despite Alana's tweets, still associate me with the Connor Project, (which is weird, since, didn't Alana say that "The Connor Project" isn't really a thing anymore?).

It's not too bad, I guess, but it does make me a little anxious about going out in public. Like this one time I needed new pants, so I went to the Kohls down the street, as you do when you need pants. Some random child, like 6 years old, came up to me and just said, "My mommy thinks you!" And at first, I was very confused. Until I realized he meant thank.

But that kid knows I made an impact. Maybe he doesn't know the impact of that impact, being 6 and all, but he knows I did something. His mommy definitely knows I did something, and she's been telling her children about it. She doesn't know it's a lie; and he doesn't know it's a lie; yet they're still thankful of me. For what? Raising money for an orchard? Anyone could've done that.

Once, I went to get a McDouble because it was just one of those days. The cashier recognized me, I think. She asked me the brand-name-welcome, "Hello welcome to McDonald's, can I take your order?" But then she started, like, thinking. And I could tell she was thinking because I also think a lot.

"Do I know you?" She asked, INTERRUPTING MY ORDER, MAY I ADD! Talk about bad employees.

"U-uh, I don't think so?" I responded.

Oh yeah Jared was there, too, "Unless you're Alana in disguise."

That seemed to strike a chord in the employee's brain, "OH! Alana! You're those Connor Project people! You guys are awesome! What was that, two McDoubles?"