drown • 𝑘𝑖𝑚 𝑗𝑜𝑛𝑔𝑖𝑛

i'm drowning.

j o n g i n

Three days. Three days, his head has been ringing. A numbing pain has become apparent to him, haunting him recently. Or maybe it had started much before that, he didn't know.

He didn't want to know.

It's not as if he didn't have a great life. He had friends, he had money, he had fans. Nowadays, however, they don't seem to matter. To him, at least.

Not anymore.

His thoughts are cut off by the loud sound of Chanyeol's laugh. Bright white teeth on display, hands brought up and down as he slaps Baekhyun playfully. He seemed happier nowadays, Jongin noted. Since Chanyeol had created Studio NNG, the rapper was in a better headspace than normal.

How Jongin envied that.

Jongin was in nothing but rollercoasters the past couple months. He had considered therapy but he knew it would spark deep conversations with his bandmates. That was the last thing he wanted.

There was no exact reason as to why Jongin was feeling this type of way. He felt empty, if that's any way to call it.

Jongin was walking on cloud nine. Fame, money, talent, he had- has -all of it. Just as he found solace in the sky, he had plummeted down into the sea, beneath the ground, deeper than he's ever been.

No warning, no red light. An instant kill.

Maybe it's because he had everything that he wanted nothing more. Nothing more for himself, nothing more from others. Maybe he had lost the spark in life, happiness.

Happiness. The word felt foreign to him. He used to feel it almost everyday. Doing simple things like dancing, hanging out with friends, drinking coffee every morning.

Jongin had gained, but lost too much.

Somewhere along the lines he had lost his closest friends. He had lost the will to dance, feeling burnt out at every movement. He had lost the will to get out of bed every morning, always wondering what was the point?

And just like now, he was making excuses. Jongin knew very well. He knew the reasons for this dark pit surrounding his life.

Jongin knew he had lost himself to fame. He knew that his emptiness had his own stupidity to blame. Making his schedules an excuse to not meet up with his family, losing contact with his old schoolmates to make new ones that were high end celebrities. He found no reason to put in effort into the people that mattered to him, thinking they would stay by him forever.

Oh, how fucking stupid that was.

And now he grows apart from the only people who knew Jongin for who he truly was.

"Jongin," Junmyeon tapped his shoulder. "Could you pass me my bag?" He points to a black duffle beside Jongin, taking a large gulp of water from his tumbler.

The leader's face was dripping with sweat, tiredness evident on his features from the rough choreography of their song. Jongin passed said bag to the brunette, a small 'thanks' whispered in the process.

"Not gonna practice?" Jongdae plops onto the couch beside him, where Junmyeon's bag was. "The release is in a couple of days."

In the background someone scoffed. "Heh, Jongin probably wouldn't even drip sweat with a choreo like this, Chanyeol howeverrrr," Baekhyun says jokingly.

Mostly everyone in the group were panting from the end of their dance session. Only Chanyeol and Jongin were the ones who didn't join the group in practicing.