Sander sides Angst (Started 4/29/2020)

"Girl..."

Trans Roman

Warnings: Self harm, homophobia, cussing, crying, depression, dysphoria.

(Heads up, my personality seems a lot different when I'm writing in this I know. I dont pretend in this book :) so it's going to be a lot different then say, my smut book. I also only write in this when I'm upset, or depressed. This is angst. Most of these chapters will be me speaking threw these characters. This one is a huge example. This is most of my experience, and thoughts, pertrayed threw Roman. Some of the things in these have not happened to me exactly as told. Like, I haven't had the exact same dream, but I have had a few associating with my gender. I tried to tie my current experiences and transfer them into an adult life, aspect. So it isn't exact, but I hope you enjoy. I'll update my front cover soon, I'm just not really in the mood to draw something for it right now. Anyways. No hate. This is a safe space.)

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Roman stared at the ceiling, counting the dots that were scattered across it. The sound of his breathing the only thing he could hear. His room slowly lit up, from the blazing rays, coming from the morning sun. He sighed. Was it already morning?... he hadn't slept at all. He hadn't noticed the time that passed. This was the second time this week he hadn't slept at all. Most of his friends would notice and point it out, but he would brush it off as he had just been working a lot. But his face showed otherwise. Dark circles formed under his eyes, as the pigment drained from his face, and his eyes became a dull gray compared to his natural light brown. His additude never faltered, but he had his bad days, were he would never leave his room. He would only draw, or sit in silence.

Knock

Knock

He was pulled from his thoughts at the sound of a knock at his door. "Who is it?..." He mumbled, praying no one would hear. "It's me kiddo! Breakfast is ready! And I wanted to check on you?" Patton answered, with his usual peppy tone. Roman couldn't help but slightly smile. "I'm fine Padra. I'll be down in a minute, K?" Roman answered, using his best, 'I'm happy as could be!' voice. "Okay, Ro!" He heard Patton skip away. He let out a sigh, getting up from his bed, and going to his bathroom. He looked in the mirror. He just stared at his reflection, cursing himself in his mind.

Ugly

Hideous

Useless

Girl...

He shook his head, discarding his negative thoughts, and grabbed his brush from beside his drawer. He combed his hair, and washed his face. He grabbed another shirt, and walked back to his bathroom. He took off his shirt, avoiding the shadow of his hatred, that could be seen in the mirror. He had slept in, well... he had been in his binder ever since Tuesday. Today was Friday... his chest, and back hurt so bad, but he wouldn't dare take it off. Usually he was very good about it, but... well. Let's rephrase. He doesn't have a prober binder. He has never bought one. He usually just wears multiple, tight, sports bra's. Usually only 2, because his breasts weren't all that big. But for about a month, all common sense was gone. All he could see when he looked in the mirror, were the unwanted lumps on his chest, no matter how many he wore. He had about 6 pair's so he could change every few days, when they got dirty, but recently he would wear them all at once. He just stared in the mirror. He couldn't look away. His disgusting body, was all he saw. He couldn't see his beauty. He saw none. All he saw was a girl. A wanna-be man. The only other thing's he could see were his cuts. All the cuts that covered his body. They stood out against his discolored skin. Most of the cuts were on his shoulders and thighs. His friends knew... they knew everything. They excepted him. In fact they loved him. They would do anything for his happiness. But after they found out about him cutting himself, they began to watch him. VERY closely. So... he learned his lesson. He would cut in places they couldn't see. In places he didn't want to look at or have.