Wildflower

Chapter One: Atychiphobia

Today is the evening before The midsummer festival, the time all my friends go to parties and kiss the one they love at midnight under the fireworks. But my baby sister and I have this obligation to my parents to stay home. We have this tradition to eat the fancy food my mom worked on all day and drink expensive champagne. Well, thank god for the champagne and the wine tonight. Topper broke up with me, again. I know I should be used to this by now. But at this moment I just want to drown all my sorrows with de delicious taste of alcohol. My relationship with Topper is complicated, I love him so much it's indescribable. but the question is does he really loves me back? He is the longest relationship I ever had, that has to count for something. But maybe he just wanted to have sex and I keep on giving it to him. I keep on giving me to him. Topper gives me atychiphbia, a fear of not being good enough.  Why is love so complicated, I wish I could just shut off all my emotions and not feel anything. I keep on begging him to stay, even though he keeps on pushing me away. The hard thing about this is not the breaking up part, we have done this like a hundred times by now. It's hard because I know he won't let me go; He still wants to play with me. And this is partly my fault too, I love the game too much even if it breaks me apart. Even after all the fucked-up names, he called me. He fights so dirty, but his love's so sweet. Furthermore, he isn't completely wrong when he calls me a liar. I can be manipulative, I'm the best liar in the world. I got a lot of training for that growing up. Topper can be the best thing in my life. I think a lot of him and me growing old together. But on other days he turns in somebody that I don't know, starting to push me away again and acting like he doesn't know who I am. I don't think I'm going to get out of this alive. 

"Hey sad face, what are you thinking about?" the happy voice of my sister could be so annoying. She loves Holidays and dressing up. Sarah is just like our mom,  loving the social status we are in. She strives to be the perfect daughter. 

"It's nothing" I sigh. 

"Em you know you can tell me everything right? When is Topper coming?" she asks. 

My family loves Topper. They see him as the perfect boyfriend. Topper also comes from a high standard family. So my mom says, that I have to be great full that he chose me to be his girlfriend.

"He isn't coming Sarah, you know that he likes to party and we can't force anyone to sit here and expect them to enjoy it. Right, mom?" I said in an annoyed voice.  I raised my glass. I could not tell my family the true reason he didn't show up, it would upset them, so I lied.

"To a great Midsummer weekend" I faked a smile, but this was the decent thing to do.

"To Midsummer" everyone shouts. I want to text him. I ache to tell him that I miss him, but that is not a good idea. I wonder if he is with her. kissing her under the fireworks it makes me sick even thinking about him and other girls. I reach out for my crystal glass of Champaign and drain it all. Topper has a lot of girls on the side. And he loves rubbing that into my face. One of the first times we broke up he sent me a picture of him kissing another girl. And every self-respecting person would have said that is the end of us. But I forgave him, he even said to me that he wasn't sorry for kissing someone else.  Yet I keep thinking the words Topper used to say to me "I'll love you till the day I day." 

My parents look at me disappointing it is not a new look.

"Emma can you please pretend to be a normal well-behaved woman for once." Growls my mom. 

"If you won't behave for us than at least think about what nana would have wanted". 

"Yes, mother" I spoke in a sharp-pitched voice. 

I Know I Have to cut my parents some slack. It's the first Midsummer party that it is just the four of us. Sarah and I were raised by our grandparents. Our mom and dad travel a lot for work, so our grandparents have always felt more like my real parents to us. May earlier this year nana passed away, very shortly after grandpa. They both died of lung cancer. I even saw the scans of my grandmothers longs, but there were no more longs. It was just a picture filled a huge withe spot. I will never forget the last image I have of her lying in that hospital bed. She looked so skinny so fragile just like a doll. Those images make me wonder, will  I look this way when I die? My skin getting paler my lips dry. It's morbid but it also is kind of beautiful. I know most of my family had passed away true long cancer more specific cause of smoking, but still, I don't want to quit smoking myself. I love the feeling so much. And at this moment I'm carving to smoke so badly, holy shit. But I can't, my sister and parents still don't know I smoke. after six years of sneaking around. So yes, I must be a fokking great liar. Sneaking around like a wild dog in the streets. just so I can enjoy my self-destruction sticks. 

It's almost midnight now. Meaning this stupid family dinner is almost over. I feel a little lightheaded from all the booze I have been consuming. My mind is back with Topper. I just have to check my phone to see if he cares about me. To see if he misses me only a tiny bit. It always goes like this one of us get's too drunk and calls about a hundred times. Topper please say you want me, say that you need me. 

"Dear family" I announced.

"Will you excuse me for a moment I have to go powder my nose," I spoke while standing up from the dinner table in the garden. And I walk towards the bathroom.

I turned on my cell and looked at my reflection in the mirror. I hated the way I look. Everyone around me just sees at me as' the cute one'. I don't want people to know how I really feel so I hide myself behind a cheerful face. Besides that, there is this thing I do when I feel nervous. I start to giggle. I hate it. Why can't I just be normal?

I looked at my phone and there it was just like I desired, a message from Topper. "Hey Babe, still awake? This party at the beach is lit can you come over? I crave for you"  with a Winky face smiley.