your loss, not mine | Sooshu

You're just as broken as I am.

Shuhua

19 September 2016

The air is saturated with the saccharine taste of peach and cherry blossom. A deliberate clash with the messiness of the haphazard blankets, a sign of utter defeat. The desk is littered with tears and torn letter-paper. Shuhua's hand shakes as she opens up a new page once again and writes, with all the ferocity she can muster,

Soojin,
I am so sorry.

And Soojin, the black-haired beauty Shuhua had so revered, the butterfly kisses and late-night closeness and Soojin's amusement as she'd tapped Shuhua's nose playfully and whispered into the shell of her ear, "You're so cute Shuhua-yah"

That Soojin is gone, replaced by tiredness, and a desire to sleep the pain away.

---

Flashback

"You don't understand." Soojin's voice is acerbic, the tang of vitriol infused in her words. "You can't fix everything. The world is not a pretty package revolving around us, Shuhua. One day you'll grow tired of what we become. When you're done trying to save me."

Shuhua physically feels the tears stab into her cheeks as they wash past her flushed skin and stain her blouse with a languid pain. The room is silent, the live-wire bullets of Soojin's darkness and Shuhuas vulnerability ricocheting around the walls.

"And what will we become, Soojin?" Shuhua's answer trembles with tears and fear, and if Soojin notices it, she does not reach a graceful hand out and save Shuhua the heartache.

"Nothing." The retort is clean, cuts through Shuhua's chest like a knife. "Nothing, because you and I Shuhua, we're too different."

Flashback

Shuhua realises too late that her lover cannot be fixed. But she doesn't really cares, she loves her too much.

Granted, there are nights when Shuhua believes. The nights when Soojin's arms fit beautifully in the cusp of Shuhua's waist, just close enough for Shuhua to lean into the warmth of Soojin's chest and nestle inside the bedcovers. The nights when the two of them nuzzle into each other, like the perfect match.

"Are we going to be forever?"

A night comes when Shuhua murmurs sleepily into the crook of Soojin's neck, sweetly, drowsily - she isn't sure what the question means herself, yet she waits, idly, for Soojin's answer. And it comes inevitably with Soojin's kiss to the top of Shuhua's forehead and a whispered,

"Of course baby, if you want to... Forever and infinite."

"What if we live beyond infinity?"

"Then," Soojin laughs, and the sound is music to Shuhua's waiting ears - "I'll love you as long as it takes for you to get tired of me."

"I'll never," Shuhua mumbles without really comprehending her words, and she's rewarded with Soojin's hand ruffling her hair fondly, "I'll never fall out of love with you."

Shuhua realises too late that words can always be regretted, can be taken back until her lips forget the taste of Soojin's name, the girl she so loved, with all the passion and fury in the world - that names can perish.

Flashback

"Why can't you see sense? I'm just trying to help!"

They're pacing the room, the air charged with crackling electricity. Shuhua is the first to scream, her anger ripping out of her smaller body like a deadly missile. The rift between them torn wide open.

"See sense?" Soojin's reply, in contrast, is calm. Collected, with the arrogant poise Shuhua so loves and hates at the same time. "Okay, maybe I'm not logical enough to see sense".

"Now you're talking logic, huh? I just want to save you! You know, this wouldn't be so toxic if you opened up to me at times! Made sure this relationship was two-way, instead of you forcing me to play this impossible guessing game!"

Too late Shuhua bites her lip, almost drawing blood. Soojin's eyes grow dangerous, the cadences of her voice deceivingly lilting as she retorts,

"So now our relationship is toxic, Shuhua?"

Shuhua falters. A frisson of regret entering her gaze, before she answers hesitantly.

"It wouldn't be if you listened."

"Practice what you preach, really." Soojin starts pacing across the room, half-agitatedly, half with the precision of a hunter closing in on its prey. She does not catch the slight wobble of Shuhua's lip, the hot tears that have gathered in the far corner of Shuhua's eyes. "Have you ever contemplated the fact that we're not the best match for each other?"

There is a beat of silence. Then Shuhua whips her head up. In her stare's something Soojin have never seen before, a dullness that could even rival Soojin's own maelstrom.

"Actually, yes. I think about it every-single-day."

---

22 September 2016

Incoming Call: Jinjin

Shuhua almost twists her ankle as she limps back from the bar, her head fuzzy with the temporary comforts of alcohol, the bitter taste in her mouth numbed by the universal liquid of heartbreak. Her phone vibrates, she glimpses the contact name, and her finger promptly cuts the connection of its own accord.

Shuhua cries, slowly and steadily, as she narrowly misses hurling her phone into the gutter and the beeping ringtone of the End Call button resonates in her ears.

Is this what heartbreak tastes like?

19 September 2016

"Let's end this."

It is Shuhua who says it - Shuhua the affectionate, the defenceless, the romantic. Shuhua the sunlight to Soojin's darkness. It is Shuhua who gives the order for it all to cease. 

An eternity passes before the blinds fall shut on Soojin's expression, she closes off like she always does, and raises her chin in a dignified manner,

"Fine. Take your things so you can leave."
 
The phrase hangs in the air for a quavering, infinitesmal second before Shuhua is moving. That was the most painful thing she ever heard.

Shuhua's heart started to beat so fast that it was almost defeaning her, a rapid tornado tearing through the room - gathering her belongings, trying to distinguish what is hers, of what scream Shuhua and Soojin. Two different entities from now. Separated. Broken.

Before Shuhua leaves, she throws behind a parting word,

"When I walk out that door, I want you to know that I hold you responsible for this. Don't you dare to contact me. It's over, and you know it."

The response she got, knifes deep into Shuhua's heart, twists the handle cruelly into Shuhua's bleeding chest. A deep, gradual rage starts building up in her clenched fists, her nails almost cutting her palms. She manages to unlock the door and step out, painstakingly, remembering to slam the hardened wood behind her as Soojin's voice echoes,

"I'd rather forget we existed."

---

And to this day, Shuhua wonders whether Soojin misses her. Whether she wakes up like Shuhua does, a casual arm thrown over to the other side of the bed, only to find it cruelly empty. Whether she wanders the streets and catches snippets of Shuhua in elegant shop windows. Whether she looks for Shuhua in every person she sees.

Whether Shuhua has infiltrated Soojin's memories, as Soojin has done hers.

For her it's impossible to believe that someday she'll ever be able to think about Soojin without it ripping her heart out, because she knows they didn't end like they were supposed to. And she find it difficult acknowledging that she made the right decision because she know she hurt Soojin the most.

"Soojin, I'm so sorry..."