your loss, not mine | Sooshu

Can we surrender?

Soojin

28 March 2019

The streets are painted pink with the petals of the cherry blossoms. The sweet fragrance floating around the air giving out an atmosphere of new beginnings. Soojin takes her time walking towards her favorite pastry shop, stopping by every once in a while and to smell the flowers so to speak. While there were countless other bakeries and pastry shop, this one was the only one she really likes – selling Chocolate Cream Puffs, Cinnamon Roll Twists, Cheesecake Napoleones, and of course, her favorite – Strawberry Muffins.

The interior of the pastry shop is as small as the cafe that Minnie and her always went to, but it smells sweeter and felt more homey to Soojin.

The cashier places the paper bag on the counter with a smile. "Here's your order, miss!" she says sweetly, sliding the paper bag closer to her reach.

Soojin's whole face brightens at the sight of the two strawberry muffins inside, immediately crumpling the paper bag in her fist. "Thank you," she quickly turns away from the cashier. As she opens the paper bag, the sweet scent of the strawberry muffins waft closer to her nose. She pushes her hand inside and grabs hold of a piece.

She feels ridiculous, being so obsessed with something like this.

But she takes another inhale of the strawberry muffin before she slowly fits the tiny bite in between her teeth. Soojin squeezes the slit of the paper bag back in her fist and carries the strawberry muffin like a cloud in her lips.

It isn't until she looks up that she sees a woman staring right at her – her eyes are the shade of the moon, bare and raw in Soojin's throat.

"Your strawberry muffin," Shuhua watches the muffin pounce on the floor and into her feet. She looks at Soojin, quickly realizing the older woman will make no move to get it. "Soojin," her voice breaching at the sound of the other woman's name. "Soojin!"

It feels like this is the first time she's heard it from Shuhua's lips, like this is the last time she ever will.

"Okay..." Shuhua hesitates for a moment before slowly bending down to take the strawberry muffin from the floor. But Soojin rushes over to grab Shuhua by the wrist. Shuhua's eyes snap towards her.

"Soojin?" Shuhua questions, her eyes staring at the careful fit of Soojin's fingers against her skin.

"Don't tell me to let go," Soojin hears herself say through the soft tremble of her mouth.

"But if I do," Shuhua's voice trembling even more, glancing at the tight grip Soojin's fingers had on her wrist, "...will you?"

Swallowing the fear gritting into her throat, softly, she says, "No. I won't."

"Then," Shuhua murmurs, slipping her wrist out of Soojin's hold and linking their fingers together in a fleeting breath, "Don't."

---

"You never moved out," Shuhua observes as she stares at Soojin unlocking the door.

Soojin ushers Shuhua into the apartment in a daze. Her fingers are still latching on to Shuhua's like she's afraid that the other girl will suddenly disappear. Her hand is beginning to sweat, but she doesn't dare loosen her grip. Shuhua doesn't bother to question her about it despite her obvious curiosity. They both know what happened the last they had met, how easily she let Shuhua walk away, like the relationship never meant anything to her. Instead, she lets Soojin lead her into the nifty interior of their– her apartment.

"It's," Soojin hesitates, not quite sure on what to tell Shuhua why she couldn't leave. I couldn't bear leaving this place. Your ghosts will follow me anywhere I go, anyway. This was the last thing I had of you. "It's practical."