Love Life
By: mscatflower
Teen Fiction
English
Disclaimer: I am not a professional critic.
All details are just my opinion. I might be wrong; I might be right. I just provide A PERSPECTIVE that may help you improve your story. Kung paniniwalaan mo man o hindi, susundin mo o hindi, kaiinisan mo or hindi, ay depende na sa'yo.
Warning: The following contain word/s, phrases, sentences or paragraphs that may or may not hurt you. Please read at your own risk.
Overall rating: 5/10
*Title
The title is too plain and common. It is not catchy at all. It is accurate for the story, but the title alone makes me think that it is the same as any other teen fictions I had read. Take time and think about other title. Make it intriguing but at the same time related to your story.
*Cover
Hindi ako nagandahan. Wala siyang appeal. Ito 'yong tipo na lalampasan ko pag nakita ko. Improve this too. Or try some book cover shops here sa wattpad. Madami namang ganoon.
*Description
Remove the first part. Iyong may dialogue. Unnecessary siya. The first paragraph and the second paragraph implies the same thing. Medyo redundant na. Integrate them nalang into one. Like this...
Ken Hammington lives each day to the worst. He had lost all his hope in his life.
On the other hand, Sunny Fiore lives each day to the fullest. She found every reason to appreciate everything in life.
As their fates intertwine, will their hearts change or will they beat as one?
Suggestion lang iyan. Ikaw pa rin bahala. You can edit it your own or you can adapt what I've suggested. Your choice.
*Plot/Storyline
I like that this story addresses suicide. It is timely especially for teens that feels the same way.
I like the fact that their love story is not the typical school stories. They just happen to crossed paths because of certain issue/s in life. And serious ones.
I think Sunny is ill. Her fam is overprotected. Plus, her fever that lasted for quite long and her nose bleeds. If you are trying to make it some kind of twist, it's kind of predictable.
I get that Sunny will change Ken's perception in life. And they will fall in love. You just have to build it up better.
I suggest na medyo may pagpigil muna dapat. Magkakasakitan muna sila. Hindi magpapansin. Kung baga, hindi kaagad magkakaroon ng concern si Ken sa kaniya kasi nga ayaw niyang ma-involve siya sa buhay niya. Medyo nabilisan lang ako ng konti sa mga pangyayari.
This is not the first time na nakabasa at nakapanuod ako na kapareho ng plot na ito.
Improve na lang sa unfolding of events atsaka sa mga scenarios. Make it unique and relatable.
*Language/Grammar/Writing Technique
Your sentence structure and narration is not that good. Even the dialogues are lacking. I can't feel the emotions you want me to feel nor imagine the scenario clearly. But of course, pwedeng pwede pang iimprove.
Narrate based on the five senses - sight, touch, smell, taste, and hearing.
Ang mga hindi sinasabi katulad ng expression, sounds, at breathing ay sa narration lamang. Like your "Huh... Huh.. Huh", it should just be narrated how she panted and what she felt. And the sound of the ambulance, the bell, and many other should just be narrated.
Pakilagyan ng speaker every dialogue. That is for clarity. Maaaring karugtong no'n ang tono at expression ng nagsasalita.
Sa isang paragraph, dialogue ng isang tao kasama ang expression niya, movements, tono, etc.
Huwag mong pagsasamahin sa isang paragraph ang dialogue ng isang tao at ang expression ng kausap niya. Confusing iyon. Isang tao kada paragraph lang.
Maximize the use of Bold and Italicized. Kapag nag flashback ka ay maaaring italicized ang gamitin. Kapag lugar o oras, pwedeng Bold naman.
If iniisip niya lang na sabihin, italicized mo lang. Huwag mong lagyan ng quotes. Para sa dialogues na sinalita talaga ang quotes.
Nasa past tense din dapat ang verbs sa narration.
Pakilagyan din kung kaninong POV. Nakaka confuse kung kanino. Akala ko kay Ken tapos maya-maya si Sunny pala iyon? Hindi manghuhula ang readers.
*Character
I can't feel any connection to the characters.
You claimed that Sunny believes that life is a gift and beautiful. Then, I expected that she is a cheerful girl. Masyado mong maagap nireveal na may may problema din talaga siya. Portray her first as the always happy and positive girl.
Ken should be so gloomy. As in gloomy. Na parang siya na rin talaga sumisira sa buhay niya. Panindigan mo na LOST siya.
Make their qualities change gradually not suddenly. Ipakita mo talaga ung epekto nila sa isa't isa.
Overall verdict:
Hindi ko na-enjoy ang pagbabasa siguro dahil sa way of writing. Masyadong kailangan pa talaga ng improvement. Title at cover pa lang e hindi ko na ito papansin kapag nakita ko. May potential naman ang storyline. Hindi lang talaga naiikwento ng maayos.
I suggest na magbasa ka muna ng mga English novels. Pay attention kung paano nagnanarrate ang author at kung paano niya sinusulat ang mga dialogues.
The best way to learn how to write is to read first. Lots and lots of reads.
I suggest reading the story Palace: A battlefield by Chozawen
It is not perfect but hopefully, you'll learn a handful from it. You could also refer to other English stories mentioned in this critique shop like Sleepless Nights by -serendipxty-
Or kung mas gusto mo ng professional, try american published books. May mga nanadownload naman ng soft copy sa internet.
***
Again, this is just my opinion.
Please leave a comment about what you feel in this critique. Thank you!
