Under A Glass Sea

Chapter 6

Days blended into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. Braelynne felt like she was sleepwalking through life. She faded into the background, doing her best to live a peaceful existence with everyone around her. She went to work, came home, made dinner, did the housework. Living life by simply going through the motions. 

She did her best not to create any waves with Seth. He took over paying the bills and insisted she deposit her paycheck into his personal account. He would give her a small amount each week that barely covered the groceries. If she needed money for clothes or personal funds, she needed to ask him. Little by little, she gave up her autonomy. He made the decisions on where they would go and what they would do outside of work. But he was frequently gone during the weekends or after work. He joined different recreational sports teams and spent his nights hanging out with his new friends, mainly young, single men. Braelynne knew they frequently went to the bar together and she suspected they were also going to nightclubs. Perhaps they were even going to strip clubs together. She regularly saw Seth folding up single dollar bills and putting them into his wallet. Seth seemed to be meeting new women regularly and the rare times he was home, his phone was constantly pinging with new messages.Braelynne mainly spent her weekends at home, usually buried in a book or outside working in the garden if the weather was nice. At least the house was quiet now.

Braelynne knew Seth was still seeing Jae-Anne. They would even spend the night together at a local hotel when it was the weekend. He was tagged in pictures of her 21st birthday party on social media, their arms wrapped around each other, the two of them grinding against each other while dancing at some nightclub and taking shots together. Jae-Anne showed off pictures of the expensive diamond bracelet he had given her. He spent the entire weekend with her that time but at least Braelynne didn't have to deal with the hangover he surely had after drinking all those shots. She was sure Seth and Jae-Anne were having sex at this point but she no longer cared. Seth seemed to have a few other girlfriends as well and Braelynne sometimes absently wondered if Jae-Anne ever got jealous. Did one have the right to be jealous when their married boyfriend started dating other women?

Braelynne's own sex life was now nonexistent. After Seth had announced that he was seeing Jae-Anne and would keep seeing her despite Braelynne's protests, their sex life dwindled from fiery passionate lovemaking to perfunctory sexual encounters once a month. As Seth continued to get more involved with Jae-Anne and started adding other women into his dating life, it further diminished to infrequent quickies that left Braelynne disappointed and longing for the way Seth used to touch her and care for her needs. Now it was only about taking care of his needs as fast as possible. Braelynne also started insisting that Seth wear protection when he was with her. She didn't want to risk getting an STD. Eventually, they stopped having sex altogether. Seth was obviously having sex with several women now, Jae-Anne included, and Braelynne felt she couldn't risk her health. She had always been overly cautious, worried about getting an STD. She also didn't want to risk getting pregnant. Although she still yearned to be a mom, the idea of knowingly bringing a child into a loveless marriage was unfathomable to her.

Braelynne told herself she didn't care. She was content not having sex and found she didn't really miss it. Deep inside her heart, she mourned the death of her dreams. For as long as she could remember, she had dreamed of finding a man who truly loved her and wanted to commit to her. She had wanted to be married and have children. Now she was married but it seemed like a mockery of everything she had ever dreamed of. In her lowest moments, she also felt like God was mocking her. Or maybe it was his way of punishing her for not keeping her commitment to wait until she got married to have sex. Maybe this relationship was what she deserved for the way she had behaved.

Braelynne felt like she was fading away. She became even more reclusive, not wanting to go anywhere. She and Seth would go see her parents over the Christmas holidays, putting on a  front and acting like they were still happily married. But Braelynne couldn't keep up the pretense for long. She turned down dinner invitations for the rest of the year because she couldn't continue to smile and look at her parents, who were still deeply in love and committed to each other after 40 years, while her own marriage was such a mess. On rare occasions, she would go spend an afternoon with her sister or her former roommate but she always made an excuse as to why Seth wouldn't be able to join them.