(TW: depression and just plain hopelessness tbh)
There's a couple of song lyrics that I feel I can relate to more than ever:
"hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have"
and
"I don't want to die, sometimes I wish I'd never been born at all"
I can't do this anymore. No one needs me. I'm just so incredibly useless and I can't get anything right. Why am I still here? Surely people don't want me. I'm so broken and I can't be fixed. And for once in these past few weeks I'm not saying "at the moment", "yet", "but that's OK", or "it will be better in the future, so that's why I keep going".
I'M SO FRUSTRATED! I've been better for about a week. I would say before that, but then I realised how much pain I was in and how scared I was.
What am I doing? I need to be a better person. F**k this. There are two reasons why people say what they say to me: they make me face what I already know and acknowledge they know how I'm acting, so I'll realise my mistakes and become a better person; or they just want me to leave. Option one is more likely, but I'd rather carry out option two. OH! And here we go again... the inner coward comes creeping back out. JUST STOP IT WILL YOU?!
"Please don't go, please don't go/I love you so, I love you so"
Maybe this is the reason why I stay. I love everyone else too much and can't function without them. Maybe this is the reason I need to go. If I really loved them, I'd think about their feelings. They clearly don't want me here. I'm useless. I'm baggage. I'm a disgrace. I'm "annoying". I'm "over-dramatic". I'm worthless. I'm not me anymore.
"If you love me let me go"
I need someone to talk to, but who?
YOU ARE READING
just some thoughts
RandomSome rants and random things about my mental health over the past few years, just felt like I wanted to share them. Writing and thought dumps are my outlets for processing my emotions on bad days. This is my experience and by no way a guide on how...
