rainbows

seventeen

Ryan catches up to me in no time. He isn't surprised by my running away.

He's standing in front of me, blocking my way. "What the fuck Lyss?" Lyss. I repeat it softly under my breath, green sounded much better. I shake my head. What am I doing? I need to go, somewhere, alone. I move aside and start walking.

"Where are you going?!" He shouts startling me. I've never heard him shout. Shit. I feel like peeing my pants. Keeping my front I turn. "What the fuck happened there?" "Who was she?" "Why are you running?" "Why were you hiding?" He blabbers everything. I don't know. Seriously I wish I knew why I act like this but sadly I don't.

"Look I just want to go back to my house." I plead.

"Wait" he grabs my hand. His palms are sweaty. I jerk it away. "Text me." Desperation clear in his voice. I nod not looking back. "So" he clears his throat, I turn around. "I'll meet you....umm yeah." He shrugs, his hands inside his jean's front pocket.

"Yes," I say softly.

"Okay." He says and that's the last word I hear him say for today.

The rest of the walk is spent by making weird patterns on the pavement and weird thoughts.
"How can she?" "Did she leave uni?" "Is she here for me? Why is she here?" The universe is playing a sick joke with me. I need my bed right now.
I get to my house. It's quiet
I slam the door shut behind as I enter my room. As usual, there's no one and Lexi's busy on her own. Huh. Laying down I try to calm down my nerves but it's so damn hard. Her thoughts are the only things running through my mind. I can't seem to get her out of my head. They keep on swirling inside my head until darkness buries me shielding me from her.

I wake up with a jolt. Her face flashes behind my eyes. A devil hiding behind flesh and makeup. I take a deep breath, Dammit. The pen sitting on my table looks inviting, I pick it up and throw it with all force left inside me. The clock flashes 1:42 in green. I don't remember sleeping, I don't know shit that's been happening in the past days.

My stomach gurgles, I better eat something. Eating will only make you fat a voice in my head speaks up. You'll throw up because of all these anxious thoughts another speaks up. But you need to eat something honey one more speaks up. Ugh, I tug at my hair. Fuck I'm going insane. I have no clue what to do with my life. Maybe if I talk to someone about it it'll be easier, at least them novels say so.
I think I really need to talk to someone. Nobody knows about this. I've never talked to somebody about it. Not even Lexi. Yes, Somethings are better off unsaid, but maybe not this, maybe not the things that eat you up from inside. Sighing I go down to eat something.

I ponder about the matter, there's only one person I can think of to talk about it. And as much as I hate it I can't do anything about it. With a plate of pasta in my one hand and phone in other, I think of texting Ryan. It's 2:00 Am, there's a very little chance he'll reply. I'm uneasy about talking to him, especially about this.
The message is left on delivered, I want to message again but I don't want to seem desperate, though I am.

A flash on my phone grabs my attention. It's a message from Ryan, took him 17 minutes to reply.

"Thought you wouldn't text." I read it from my notifications. Huh. I open it and practically puke at the thought of talking to him about this. Ok, Alyssa, you can do it I reassure myself. Taking a deep breath I type "Hey" I don't use emojis, who even uses them, they're too gushy mushy.

"Hey" he replies with a smiley emoji. Ok, Ryan uses them. It's kind of cute though. What? Keep your shit together girl.

"So about today.." I start

"About today..." he replies. Geez, I can even imagine the smirk on his face.

"That girl was Jordyn boulevard." I type. Her name's enough to make Ryan remember.