Ted the tubby

Oh fair maiden

"Sylvia, we have a problem." The rope wavered as the maiden spoke. "What's wrong?""I um.." Ted felt himself flush and suddenly became very glad he couldn't see Sylvia. "You can't climb the rope, can't you?" She said with a slight touch of impatience. "No I can't. I'm so sorry." Ted's face blushed even darker. "Ah no matter. I shall pull you up then."

Brisk and businesslike, she ordered her knight to grasp the rope and declared loudly that she would pull him into the tower. "In one...two...three!" She spoke the last word with a grunt and the rope moved, becoming taut and stiff. Ted braced himself to rise, but nothing happened. "Gosh Ted." Sylvia said. "You're rather heavy." Ted's heart sunk like a stone. He was so close to his quest, but his stomach was in the way again.

"Oh wait, I know!" Sylvia's voice shook Ted from his sorrow. "Take your armor off." "I-what?" Ted glanced up, confused. "Your armor is really heavy, take it off, and you'll be a great deal lighter." Ted pulled off his helmet and dropped his sword still in its scabbard. Sylvia yelled down after a short while. "Hey you are wearing armor right?" "Yes yes." Ted answered quickly as he pulled off his enlarged chest plate. His shin guards and arm plates were added to the pile gathering in his back armor plate, along with the elegant silver shield that was strapped to his shoulders.

Ted was on the ground, freeing his foot from his remaining boot when a familiar sound reached his ears. Horse hooves. A very specific horse in fact. Fear gripped Ted's heart as he pushed armor wildly aside until at last his fingers gripped his sword scabbard. Lewis, who had been hunting, leapt from the undergrowth and twisted himself around Ted's ankles. Sylvia's silken voice rang out. "Ted! Ted what's happening, who's here?" Ted's tongue twisted in his mouth and he found himself unable to speak.

For a split second nothing happened. Ted had only just started to relax when the brush stirred. Hooves appeared like the eyes of some hideous monster, bursting through the bush straight towards his face, threatening to crush Ted into mush. Ted yelled and threw himself backwards into the tower, but Barrus's hooves fell far short of him. Dirt settled on Ted's armor, scattered by the horse. And seated like a king on top of Barrus was Sir Bryan the Brave.

"NOOOOO" Ted screamed, pounding the ground with his fist. Sir Bryan the Brave ignored him completely, striding up to the rope and climbing it with ease. Ted, panicking, gripped it with both hands and shook it furiously. "NO No no..." Despair clouded Ted's soul. Sir Bryan the Brave scrambled into the tower to save Sylvia, to finish Ted's quest for him. But Ted could not allow that.

"SYLVIA! JUMP!" Ted screamed. His throat was ripped raw. "I'LL CATCH YOU, I PROMISE!" Inside the tower something crashed over with a bang. "SYLVIA ANWSER ME!" Ted listened, but there was nothing to be heard amongst the yelling and crashes that echoed from the tower. Ted turned for ideas, and rested his eyes on Barrus.

Ted sat awkwardly on the horse, with Lewis clinging to the saddle desperately. Barrus obeyed his steering easily, trotting to the tower with no resistance whatsoever. Ted sat there, wondering what to do, when, almost eerily, Sir Bryan the Brave climbed down the rope with one hand, the other gripping a struggling woman in a cream-colored dress. Ted lifted his sword with two hands. "My quest." He said to himself.

"Mine."