I'm Counting Every Lie

11: how to be a person

My dad turned of the wifi so I would be forced to not use my phone as I clean. Lol I'm hardly ever on wifi except when I post. I also have a record player/radio and album/CDs.

Thursday

After josh left I decided go take a shower. Corrections: after josh pushed me down and left I when to the bathroom and cried softly in the shower. Once I'm out of tears and I'm done pouting I decided to go eat, or try to eat. When I'm in this kind of mood I cant eat, it feels so gross in my mouth that I cant even swallow it.

The bathroom stinks  from the musty walls choking me in the hot mist. I hate it here. This is why I take baths.. without my clothes I walk out of my bathroom into my room. Water slides down my body as I open my wooden drawer. The round thing that helps the drawer open and close broke so now I have to pull and push extra hard. Ofter catching my fingers as I close it. Not this time, thankfully.

Pulling up the briefs up my feminine legs a small sigh escapes my pink lips. Why should I get dressed? The energy in me is negative and dragging me down. I need to meditate but I dont think I can without just thinking about ways to kill myself. It's best to just distract myself.

The oversized sweater I slide on is my favorite sweater but I've never wore it in public because it falls often exposing my shoulders and collarbones. Sometimes I like my collarbones sometimes I think they look too boney or maybe not boney enough. The sleeves are really baggy so if I'm not careful-

Another sigh leaves my lips and I feel pathetic. I cant even go to school because how.. suicidal I feel. Clothes?  Check, kinda. I dont need pant. Josh did leave after he pushed me. Tears well up again but I wipe them away. He hates me. Jordan hates me. Matt hates me. Everyone in school hates me. Kellin hates me. My family hates me.

Tom hates me..

I grab my black necklace that's always around my neck. The energy of Black Tourmaline tumbled stones can provide you with protection against all kinds of negativity and electromagnetic pollution. Their healing properties are also known to have the ability to balance and cleanse your aura. It also helps with anxiety and depression. That's why I never take it off.

The oversized sweater that I'm drowning in is pastel lavender and goes to my mind thighs. My room is quiet and lonely. Maybe I should add yellow to my room.. make it a little happier? I'm so desperate to be happy, I think that's why that potion effected me so much..

Under my pillow I have my journal, my personal one I use for thoughts and lyrics. Its different than my leather one that I have my witch/wiccan stuff. Getting on my bed with my purple pen I get out my journal and read what I wrote a week ago.

ONE: Find your voice.

Know that not all languages contain words. Your voice could be music. It could be dance. It will be what expresses you most sincerely. Your voice is an art. If your heart is broken, make art with the pieces.

TWO: Remember that you are an artist.

Regardless of how constantly the world will try to drive it out of you or how a ‘real job’ will try to bury that part of you that communicates your feelings when language fails you. You are an artist. Whether it is with food or building robots. You will know your medium the instant you realize how in love you are with what it brings out of you.

THREE: Apologize.

You will not always be right. You will not always be wrong. You will hopefully always be learning. Atonement is a sacrifice of pride. Explanation of why you did what you did or said what you said will not vindicate you. If the cost to heal someone is only your pride then apologize and be grateful that you’ve received peace at such a bargain.