"For you, a thousand times over."
- KHALED HOSSEINI, THE KITE RUNNER
"Cal, baby. It's time to go."
Cal looked up, but did not move. The puppy closed his eyes and ignored Nadine. This made me smile.
Apparently, Nadine was not having any of it. I heard her click her tongue before she knelt on the floor and gently tapped on her thighs. "Come on, Cal. We have to go."
Cal remained unbothered and continued to take a nap on my feet. I was sitting on the foot of the bed and trying my best to stay still. I looked at Nadine and I could tell that she was thinking of moving closer to take Cal, but she was hesitating.
Today was the third time that she and Cal visited me at our house in Loyola Grand Villas. Co-parenting, she said.
On these visits, we never talk to each other, unless it was necessary. We would just nod and shake our heads to communicate. It was awkward.
"Please don't sell the house."
I flinched a little bit when I realized that Nadine was talking to me. This startled Cal, and made him run to his mom. She cradled the puppy in her arms and stood up.
And then, with her back turned to me, she repeated, "Please. Don't sell the house."
I blanked out. I could not process that she was talking to me. There were so many things that I wanted to say to her. So many things that I want to ask. But all the words were suddenly stuck in my throat.
Nadine cleared her throat and finally faced me. Her eyes were sad and expectant, nervous about what I was going to say. Or if I was going to speak at all.
The wrinkles in my brain were weaving these words while I stare at her, gently stroking Cal's ears:
I spend all of my nights thinking about that time you told me you were not coming home anymore. You are gone, you don't live here anymore. This house? Empty, but every time I walk around the air feels heavy, crammed, clammy, bursting at the seams with your memories. The other day, I found a hair tie on the bathroom floor and I broke down. Sometimes, I still smell burning sage in the living room. What I mean to say is, you still live here. In that one spot in the swimming pool, on the carpet in the entertainment room, in the space next to me on the bed. You still live here, even if you have moved out, and I do not trust myself that I could live with that.
The silence might have been too long, I heard her sigh in defeat. "You know what? Never mind."
I panicked when I saw that she was about to leave.
I still love you, I wanted to say. But it just comes out as, "Stay."
Nadine stopped at her tracks.
I have been biding my time, waiting for her to come around. Sitting on the sidelines, not wanting to force myself to her. Being patient, being careful. Scared to mess up again, but determined. Giving her space, letting her come around at her own pace.
"Stay." At this point, I stood up and started taking slow, calculated steps towards her. "There is still yuja marmalade in the fridge. I'll have the water boiling, then I'll set up Persona V or Friday the Thirteenth, whichever you like, so you could play while you wait."
My heart was beating so fast. This was the first time we attempted to have a conversation after the breakup. I could only hope I did not blow my chance.
The weight on my chest was lifted when I heard the sound of four paws click-clacking on the wooden floor. Cal rushed towards me and started barking.
"I'll be in the game room." She said, and left. I only saw her side profile before she walked out, but I could tell she was smiling.
A/N: Happy birthday, Chamesy. Mwa.
