The Butterflies from Last Winter

Divided

18 July 2020

Time is indeed a mysterious factor. It's a compilation of chances, once used they become memorable moments. Some might not make memories, some creates history.

Well, indeed time creates history as it passes.

A promise, no matter how unbreakable it seems,

An ideal, no matter how one is determined about polishing it,

A commitment, no matter how much one focuses on it,

In this world, in the end, it's simply fragile.

All of it.

At the end, nothing is the same,

At the end, the same leaves on the tree won't stay forever,

At the end...

People has to leave.

So many writers wrote novels on their bitter experience of loss, so many poets have composed tragic poems stating all those regrets, so many movie characters cried...

Wait, well, ain't I in a movie?

The movie of my life indeed. Indeed, the more I think, the more I laugh.

People have been entering and exiting my life as if it was a shopping mall.

They take what they require and after their purpose is over, they leave.

After all, this has happened so much with me, it doesn't bother me at all. All I can think of is going ahead. In the end, it's just me.

Yet, I have to embrace the people I have with me and whom I love.

Is that not it?

I lost a few because of my mistakes... I just don't want to lose more people... Their entrance scares me... What if they leave me like everyone else?

The constant fear of hurting others echoed like a voice in my head. Every night, I kept thinking, who is it this time?

Who will be my next victim?

Being afraid of myself was a common practice for me. Every night, I'd cry over my mistakes; both the ones I could've and couldn't have avoided.

As the thought of messing up again hit my mind, the cold room felt freezing and I shivered a bit. I tugged the the sheets and cooped myself up in my bed.

"Haven't you sleeped yet Noria? "

I gasped and looked at the end of my bed. A short but healthy figure stood there. The shadow frightened me for a moment but as soon as I realized it was mom, I sighed in relief.

"Hi," I grinned widely.

"Silly little girl," she quoted and slowly came forward. She sat on the corner of my bed and patted my head.

"Why aren't you sleeping yet? What are you thinking?"

" Thinking? Aw come ooon, what would I think? " I grinned silly. 

She kept patting on my head, singing bedtime rhymes in the sweetest tone.

I stared at the ceiling as I couldn't sleep due to those thoughts.   I tried to hold back my tears and the unnecessary thoughts that kept me up.

"Mom..."

" Yes dear?"

"Mom, what if I mess up again?"

" Why dear-"

"Mom, am I only a burden? Am I always supposed to be a curse like this? Why do I mess up everything? Why do everyone go away, why can't I do things right? "

My voice became shaky and unclear. At one point, I found myself crying in her lap. I didn't want to be a messed up person. 

But indeed I was. 

I never listened to mom or dad, but kept running along in my whims. I kept pushing myself to the edge of everything though I knew it was harmful for me. I could never forgive my deeds, completely based off on obsession. A voice kept telling me to destroy the perfection and tranquility in my family and myself. As if it was like a drug, for no reason, I loved to ruin. But yes, I hated chaos. The more I grew up, hypocritical thoughts filled my head. It's more like I get bored of the peace, and I wanted to solve problems. But I kept getting confused of myself and asked myself why I loved destruction so much. In fact, my mind was pretty dual.

Saying the fact that I can't control it would be pretty lame, because I knew how to get rid of it. But then my petty obsessions took control over me. I

Throughout my whole life I believed that I was a lazy viewer. I kept watching people running the world in a whirlwind like a TV show. But I realized that my actions mattered too. As I grew up, people slowly began to fix their gaze at me.

But here I am, a whimsical idiot believing that the world will leave me alone. A hypocrite who is hanging inbetween the titles of an angel and a devil. A silly girl with so many unnecessary thoughts, who is immersed in obsession.

How long will it be like this? I must realize what I'm doing.