Harleen

Uncertain Future

Harleen gently tilted her head towards her left while laying in her bed to look at the time on her alarm clock which now read - 4:30 in the morning. She sighs in exasperation because she hasn't been able to get at least an hour's worth of sleep and had been wide awake this entire time. Then again having a guilty conscience can do that to a person

From the time she sent Arthur back to his cell to faking an illness and coming back home, the guilt-ridden therapist tried to forget about her encounter with Arthur earlier that day but failed miserably. Not only did she hate herself for not only kissing Arthur back and allowing him to touch her in places he shouldn't, she technically already cheated on Derek, the man she loved with all her heart

Or so she thought. How did it come down to this? Being in love with two men at the same time while already in a relationship with one of them. The other man Harleen had feelings for is highly inappropriate as far as her training in psychology went. She broke the one golden rule by developing personal feelings for a patient that goes far beyond what it should be

What the fuck is wrong with me? Seriously. I'm already in a relationship with Derek, a man I love so much, and yet I'm in love with Arthur. There's no denying that now. Not after what happened yesterday, thought a conflicted and guilt-ridden Harleen

Harleen tilted her head back to the original position with her eyes looking up at her ceiling again. It wasn't supposed to be this difficult. She should be able to easily treat Arthur without developing any emotional feelings for him and still be happy with Derek and not have these conflicted thoughts on who to choose and worried about her future

What made things even worse for Harleen is throughout the evening, she kept picturing herself going all the way with Arthur in her office. No matter how hard the woman tried to push back those urges and her feelings for the man whose's been vilified by mostly everyone in Gotham to the back of her mind while thinking about Derek, even that had failed her

It's like that other side to her both Arthur and herself had mentioned in the past. A dark side perhaps? Possibly. Harleen had many dark thoughts in the past about paying back the people who either did her wrong or just say Fuck the rules. I'm gonna do what I wanna do for now on. Perhaps this other side is telling her to give in to her feelings and just give up everything

To be fair though, during the early hours of the evening Harleen did try to get into contact with Derek by ringing him on his phone number and twice through Wayne Enterprises, only to either listen to Derek's answering machine or be told he's very busy and not in

Harleen is a big believer in not keeping secrets from the other in order for a real relationship to work. She knew Derek would be devastated and crushed when he finally hears that his own girlfriend has kissed a murderer, but she was willing to take the risk for fear of losing him in the process

However, there was that other secret she kept hidden from Derek, the encounter with J Man and The Jokerz in the alleyway a couple of weeks ago, and how Harleen practically had to bluff her way into returning home alive in one piece by faking a relationship with their idol

She did contemplate telling Derek about that more than once, but then she remembered the fight they had about Arthur, and by telling Derek it would just only make things worse between them. Plus, Harleen didn't think it would be a big deal considering she did her part in asking Arthur to meet with J Man and go along with her story

But kissing Arthur and having him grope and spank her ass is something Harleen had to tell if there is any part of her that still loved Derek, and saving their relationship

I'm a fucking piece of shit for doing this to Derek. What did he ever do to deserve being cheated on? Nothing. All he ever did is stayed loyal to me, love me, and helped me out when times were tough. It's going to break him, I know. But I have to tell him, otherwise, I won't be able to live with myself, thought Harleen