Late at night, around 4 a.m. the house is silent and the air is dry. The only noise in the house is coming from the faint music blaring in the back upstairs bedroom occupied by yours truly.
A breeze wafted into the house from the main door. The door had been left to swing wide open. A strange pungent smell of old liquor and cheap cigarettes flowed through the house filling it with that disturbingly un-delightful aroma. Stumbling over her own feet, April wobbled into the dining room, knocking over chairs and swiping things off of the table as she passed making her way into the living room.
Kicking empty glass wine bottles and empty beer containers strewn over the carpeting, she stumbled up the stairs. Using the railing as a cane to support her weight she made the flight. Stumbling into a credenza she groped the side wall trying to get a hold of her balance. Closing her eyes she found her balance and made her way down the hall to the back master bedroom. Finding nathans door she knocked.
“Where are my cigarettes???”
I rolled my eyes and turned the volume on my radio up louder.
“That woman, I don’t know what i’m going to do with her..” I mumbled under my breath. Not that it would matter the music is blaring at a good 60.
“You worthless little brat! Don’t ignore me! Give me my damn cigarettes!!” Aprils words slurred as she pounded her fist against my door.
“Mom you probably smoked them all!” I try to yell over my music. I don’t care if she threatens to hurt me or not. This music is not being turned off, right now it’s the only thing keeping me sane.
Aprils face lit up with rage, “Bullshit you little lying thief!” She picked up an empty wine bottle off the table and smashed it against my door sending shards of glass in every direction.
“I’m not a smoker and I didn’t take your damn cigarettes!” I screamed as I slammed open my door to stare my mother in the eyes.
Without a second thought April reached out and backhanded me, “You disrespectful, lying, disgrace for a son! You disgust me! First you run off with your little whore girlfriend Kitty and then you steal my cigarettes and dare lie to my face!” She spits into my face.
“Don’t you ever talk about Kitty like that! You don’t know her! She isn’t a whore and she isn’t my girlfriend!!” I roar back at my mother rage filling my eyes.
“Aw you poor pathetic thing! Could you not get into her pants like everyone else in this fucking town?????? BOOHOO!” She taunted.
“She’s doing this on purpose Nathan,” I told myself, “she just trying to get under your skin. She knows you love Kitty. Just ignore her! Don’t stoop to her level!”
Clenching my fists tightly, I dug my nails into the palms of my hands.
Whispering menacingly I looked her dead in the eyes, “Good. Night.”
And that was the last thing I said to her before slamming and locking my door shut in her face.
I lean back against my wall and shut my eyes. After i’m sure she has gone back down stairs I make my way slowly to the closet on the far side of my room. Unlocking it my heart began to race faster. I could feel my heartbeat in my throat pounding, making it harder to breathe. Sliding the door open slowly my eyes dart to the little cardboard box in the far bottom corner of my closet where it lay, covered by a plastic bag full of shredded and bloodied cloth.
Picking it up and walking to the far side of my room I read the tiny messages and notes strewn here and there written in pencil and sharpie on the sides, edges, and along the top and tape holding it together. Hitting my back against the wall I slid to the floor and opened the box.
I’m going to do the one thing I know that will work to get rid of this pain...it lifts this cloud off of me and I feel more than alive. It’s like taking more than the prescribed pills and getting high off of them. Just laying there in your bed letting the drugs run into your bloodstream. Watching your vision blur as the fancy colors and shapes float in and make a kaleidoscope of designs......................cutting…..
As the cold metal hits my skin I drag slowly, applying more pressure. As the strokes get longer and the cuts become deeper, the skin around it puffs red like wine. The blood beads up, perfectly in a beautiful crimson line. It tingles and burns at first but then it feels good. My body is in pain but my mind is at ease. It feels so good, and my mind asks for one more cut please… One turns to two and two to four. At this point I just keep cutting more, there’s no stopping myself from the warmth flooding through my body making it ache for more. Everyone else is happy, so why can’t I be too? The blood starts to drip and roll down my skin, and a smile appears on my lips as I close my eyes and lay my head back just taking in the sweet smell of the blood and the beautiful sound of Sleeping With Sirens Roger Rabbit playing in the back ground. Right now, at this exact moment, nothing else in the world exists. Except for me and this sweet bliss. Slowly and easily exhaustion from blood loss sooths me to sleep..
