A couple of years ago I would've thought about you almost every single day.
I would've thought about what you were doing this morning, what you had for lunch, or what you were doing at this very second. I wondered whether you were thinking about me too.
When we first met, I didn't think more after an introduction because I was in too much of an influence from my friends, which was to be the boasting egotistic boy I pretended to be. And I have always regretted treating you that way. Now that we are thousands of miles apart -without knowing if there was a chance whether we would meet again- I think about you.
I think about the time you would stare at the football field during lunch breaks because you weren't really a social butterfly and you'd rather spend the time you had alone, basking in the environment. However, whenever you got bored with your surroundings, your gaze would drift to the football court to watch us play but back then I assumed you were focused on us playing. Instead, you were focusing on me.
Back then, I didn't think about the way you would step out of your comfort zone and try things you wouldn't normally do to get closer to me. Like the way you tried playing netball for the first time and nearly lost a tooth but laughed it off because you didn't like it when people worried about you.
One thing I would never forget though would be the day you left us. I vividly remember that it was World Book Day and everyone had dressed up as princesses, witches, pirates, and I came as the protagonist of a book both of us liked because I knew that you would do the same, the book that made us talk and brought us closer which opened my eyes to see the person you are. But that morning, instead of seeing you coming into class with your bright red sling bag that was bigger than you were and the big smile you would give to your friends -which was a habit for you every day- it was your mother, talking to the teacher about how they were going away, going back home. But I thought back home meant the small little cottage that you lived in nearby the school where I would see you walk back to, observing your surroundings as you skipped in joy after a good day.
It was sad to see you go without a mere goodbye so I couldn't see you one last time because you were too shy to say goodbye to your classmates but back then I didn't think you would be gone forever, I thought it was a short holiday.
You did come back though, for a couple of months earlier this year to stay with your dad since he works here, that was the reason you lived there, to begin with. And I knew you were back because I heard my friends saying they saw you at the pier or eating in the same restaurant.
I shivered at the thought of us meeting again. Not of fright, or disgust, but the nervousness of it all. Because I wouldn't know what to say to you, or how to feel so it would've been better if I didn't. but in another universe where I was braver than I was, I would've cherished the time we had together and relived the things we used to do. I would've set up perfect scenarios to impress you and make memories with you to keep forever. But yet again, only in another universe.
You don't post much because I knew how much you valued your own privacy, so I didn't get to see your face much often, only when you share a group photo with your family and friends. That's when I started to drift away from you, I went from checking up every day to only looking at your profile once a week, then once a month. Now, I don't even remember your username on your social media platforms.
It's sad to know when you are slowing losing a person you were in love with when you are aware of it happening because that meant you never got to say goodbye.
So as I'm writing to you now, I hope you too cherished our memories as I did and always have me in your mind as I do. I love you.
Jason Todd writing about you from his past
