A Symphony of Devotion: The Start [Demi Lovato]

[33] Burgundy

It's too late. I know it is. Zack's warning has provided not even seconds for us to react before Julian enters the room and his smile drops in the exact way Devonne's did when she caught us kissing weeks ago.

The way Devonne and I have positioned ourselves isn't helping either. Her, with her arms around me, me, with my clothes half on and half off; it spells mischief over and done.

"No no no," I start, as I push Devonne away, shrug my jacket on, and begin climbing out of bed. "Julian, no, you don't understand."

I watch Julian shake his head as the bouquet of roses slips from his hands and he turns to exit the room. I scramble to my feet, running after him. "Julian, please, just listen to me!"

I manage to catch up to the boy at the top of the staircase, gripping onto his arm. My entire body feels frozen, with dread, with shock, with the fear of losing him. "Please, please, Jules, I swear, just listen to me, okay? One minute. That's all I need."

Julian suddenly turns on me, shaking me off. "No, you listen to me, Kenzie. It was never supposed to work out this way." He gives a laugh, but that sound ironically only terrifies me further. "Actually, thank you. You made it so much easier for me."

"Made what so much easier?" I force out.

He shakes my grip off. "Zack made me do it. He told me to ask you out because you were so torn over losing your girlfriend. I was in between girls then, so, yeah, I said yes."

"No," I whisper. One tear slips from my eyes, then another. "I don't believe this."

"I didn't expect to actually like you. You're a kid. But I had fun, and when Zack asked me to take you out again, why not, right? But what I definitely didn't expect was that I'd fall in love with you. With the smell of your perfume, those gorgeous blue eyes that you can rarely find in America, the way you talk, the way you smile. But it was maddening to know that you would always choose that girl over me. Zack made me tell you it was okay if you loved her, because he wanted me to promise you I'd always love you, no matter what. He didn't want me to break your heart again and give him more to deal with."

My hands fall back to my side. "Stop." I bring my sleeve clad hands up to my ears, although it didn't do much to block Julian's words out. "I don't want to h-hear anymore."

Julian's voice continues; like a monotone ringing through my ears no matter how much I tried to get it to stop. "So I played along. I told you I just wanted you to be happy, even though I was raging on the inside. I did everything I could, and you still can't keep yourself loyal to me. This is it, okay? I don't care what you say. You were in bed with that dumb bitch, and your clothes were off. I-"

"Don't call her a dumb bitch," I find myself yelling, as I shove Julian as hard as I can. He barely manages to catch himself on the railing as his feet miss the top step.

"This is what I'm talking about!" Julian shouts back. "I'm the one who's being cheated on, and you're still protecting her!"

Tears stream down my cheeks relentlessly as I blindly strike out. "Why do you care? Wasn't our relationship fake from the fucking beginning?"

Julian stumbles back, moving down a few steps. He shakes his head. "You're insane. I suspected it from the start, but, God, I was right. You're insane. I'm leaving. Have fun with your lesbian whore."

And then he's really gone. Disappeared through the front doors.

I stumble back to my room, my hands planted on the walls for support. When I storm in, I find Zack seated on the floor and Devonne on my bed, both silent. It's obvious by the curiosity burning in their eyes that neither have heard my arguement with Julian.

Zack gets to his feet. "What ha-"

"Get out!" I yell, moving forward and grabbing the boy by his arm before starting to push him out. He's a dozen times stronger than me, but goes along with it instead of fighting back. "I can't believe you'd do this to me! Fuck you!"

"Kenzie, stop!" Devonne's on the other side of me now, her arms prying my hands off Zack.

Adrenaline pulses through my veins, and I push Devonne back with a sudden wave of strength. My eyes are red; bloodshot, as tears stream down my face. "Go! I don't want to see any of you! Get out of my house!"

Zack's starting for the door on his own already, pulling Devonne with him. He knows when to leave me alone; that I really don't want company right now. "Come on, Devonne, move," he mutters.

"But, Kenzie-"

"Kenzie wants us to leave, so move. Give her her space."

Zack literally drags Devonne out, and I slam the door behind the both of them, locking it.

For what seems like hours after that, I sit in front of the door, my head in my hands and my lips parted as silent sobs leave my body. For the first few minutes, I hear Devonne arguing with Zack about leaving me alone inside, their conversation ending with Devonne stubbornly saying, "I'm staying right here."

I don't care about her now. I don't care about Zack. I just can't believe he did this to me. Set me up on a date so I'll feel better? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck him!

They say that sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly and, fuck, I should have known it would turn out like this. How stupid could I have been?

I don't know how long I sat there on the floor, but I find myself in my bathroom a while later, a blade in hand, my sweats off and several cuts on my thigh even though I don't remember making them.

My vision seems cloudy, my head pounding. I blink, and my body seems to sway. When I reopen my eyes, there's another cut on my thigh.

The tears are still falling fast from my eyes, and I blindly lift a hand to wipe them away. I don't want to keep doing this. Forcing myself to love and then really getting swept away by this. I hate how I can't keep myself away from heartbreak, like that stupid moth couldn't say away from the flame. Couldn't it see it was just killing itself off slowly?

Maybe I'm killing myself off slowly. God, I'm so useless.

I'm tired, exhausted, and sick to my stomach as I stand up and throw up into the toilet, what little breakfast I'd eaten earlier making its reappearance. Blood continues to drip down my leg, and I sit back down on the floor as I grow lightheaded, using wet toilet paper to clean myself up.

Then I fall into bed with my sweatpants still off, clinging on to the hope that maybe, I won't ever have to get out.