A Symphony of Devotion: The Start [Demi Lovato]

[42] Nazlanmak

I'm speechless, and I think Devonne sees that, because a smile spreads over her lips, but my being shocked to silence is due to a completely different reason than what she probably expects to be.

What made Devonne think that this was okay? That it's been long enough since I'd enforced the rule that we are to be just friends that she can ignore them? Does she think that just because I let her hold my hand for a few seconds, and allowed her to call me her date, that she can pull something like this?

I get to my feet, blindly scraping my chair back behind me.

When she sees me stand, nervousness creeps into Devonne's face again as she does, too, setting the bouquet of flowers on the table. "Kenz.."

I finally find my voice as I glance back to the long table and the overflowing mass of romantic gestures. "Are you fucking serious? What were you fucking thinking?"

"I was thinking.. Uh.."

"You need to stop doing this!" I step closer to her, fury building in my eyes. "It's not funny, if that's what you think I'd respond as. Me and you, it's not going to happen!"

Tears are surfacing in her eyes. I hate myself for being the reason for that, but I don't budge an inch.

"I know, I know. I just had to try," Devonne whispers, her brows furrowed as her hand reaches up, as if to run it through her hair, then wavers when her fingers touch the intricate style it's set in before dropping. "It's really hard for me to say, but I like you, okay?" Her voice is trembling with tears. I can tell it's becoming a struggle for her to speak. "Your smile, and your laugh, and your eyes.. I can't stop thinking about you, and it's driving me crazy. I really like you," she repeats.

The room falls silent, her waiting for my response and me trying to come up with one.

I can't think of what to say. I mean, I've always really liked her, but to hear her say it like this kind of confirmed everything.

But I can't get involved with her again. She won't satisfy my desire, she won't make me happier if we were together than if I were to admire from afar. Because why do we think love will fix us and makes us whole when it only leaves us more broken than before?

Then I see a tear roll down her cheek before she quickly wipes it away, and my heart sinks. This conversation isn't benefiting her any more than it's doing so to me. Maybe it's best if we both just.. Just stop.

"I wish you wouldn't," I say, tears rising in my eyes as I start for the door.

"No, Kenzie, don't go, please!" Devonne calls after me.

She follows me down the hallway, but I rush up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

Devonne's still faster, though, and she catches up to my as I'm opening my room door, grabbing hold of my arm and refusing to let go. "Just give me a reason why. I'll go after that. I promise. I just don't understand! I really like you, and I know you like me too, if only a little."

"You don't know that," I say, but in my heart, I know she does.

"Please," is all she replies with as she waits for my response.

I take in a deep breath before turning around to face the blonde. "You wanna know why? We won't ever work out, all right? We're too different. One of us is going to get hurt in the end, and I'd rather not hurt you. Got your answer? Great. Now go."

But Devonne stays. She releases my arm and steps back, but then hesitantly asks, "Are we.. Can we still be friends, though?"

"I- I don't.." I pause. "Maybe. Probably. I don't know. I need time to think. But, probably, I guess." What I want to say, but don't, is that I can't live without her, either.

Devonne nods, and moves back another step. "Okay."

"Got your answer? Good. Go."

I enter my room and shut the door firmly, hearing her footsteps fade out into the distance.

I sink to the ground. I know I'm going to regret letting her go, but I honestly believe this is the safest path. It might hurt as hell, but it is.

But, looking around my room, at the pictures of Devonne and I on my wall, at some of her clothes strewn across my chair, at the guitar she gave me that rests against my wall, everything seems to remind me of her.

I need to clear my mind. To take a breather away from everything. Preferably a place where I don't see her face everywhere I turn.

I leave my room quietly and start for the stairs, going up to the fifth floor and ignoring the guard that's posted there when he tells me I shouldn't be on this level. I weave through the corridors, unfamiliarity striking me as I cross unmarked doors. The feeling that I've lost myself hits me, and I begin to worry, right before I turn a corner and see exactly what I was looking for.

The guard standing there blocks me off when I step forward. "You can't go up on the roof, Miss Stone."

I duck under his arm and start up the ladder. "I'll be careful." I push up the metal flap, climbing out onto the roof.

It's completely flat, the only danger being that there isn't anything around the edges to keep someone from falling over. I sit right at the edge, facing the West, my legs dangling over the side. I watch the birds flying past, the tops of trees, the people that walk around nearby. Then I focus my train of thought and attempt to solve my Devonne problems.

Only one thing's clear to me as of right now. I can't date her. We have too much unresolved history that she's unwilling to contribute answers to. I try to tell myself this, but, deep down, I know it's not really why.

To be completely truthful, I'm just so, so fucking terrified of us getting into a relationship and her breaking up with me again. The last time I crossed the lines I set for myself, it ended in disaster and broken hearts. I might as well stay in my comfort zone and save both myself and Devonne the trouble.

So dating's out of the question. Can we still be friends, though?

I try to imagine a world where Devonne and I try to be just friends again, where everything is marred as awkward because of her finally officially admitting that she likes me, and instantly know that world could not exist. After all, if I allow her to come close to me again, she's just going to keep pulling stunts like this and trying to get me to date her, and result in exact scenarios each time with me trying to decide how we should end up.

Not friends, then. A sort of relief spreads through me when I come to that conclusion.

The most difficult part is having to make the decision, and I cling on to that it was the right one.

I'm grateful of our last few days of being friends, to have us end on what I'd consider as good terms. I'd have hated to end as our circumstances were back when she told me she hated me, for reasons I couldn't figure out. I mean, I still don't know why now, but at least I've accepted that I'd be okay without having an explanation.

I sit there in silence, unknowing of how many hours had passed before the blue sky begin to transform into a dull pink, and a bright orange after that.

Our last days as friends were like a closure; something happy to look back upon when everything is said and done. It'll be easier to ignore the desires for each other if we just pretended we didn't know each other.

And my plan would start right from the hints of a new day; sunset.

Because at the end of the day, the sun will fade into the curve of the dirt when the sapphire sun touches the dew covered grass - painting strokes of light and setting fire to the sky.

One last goodbye reminds me that endings can be beautiful, although nothing gold can stay.