Macy

Chapter 7

Billie's gone back to avoiding me and didn't show up at the café this afternoon to pick me up so we could go to the wreckers for a few hours.

But I'm ok with that.

I don't know how I feel about Billie anymore. I can't get her out of my mind.

Ever since I realised how pretty she was and how she makes me really nervous, I've kind of been avoiding her too.

I've never liked girls, I've never fantasised about kissing them or dating them like I do about Billie.

But I guess I've never fantasised about kissing or dating boys either and I never questioned it because I've just never had a crush on a boy or a girl... until Billie that is.

Is that what this is though? Do I have a crush on Billie?

Or am I just infatuated with her because she's the first friend I've had in a very long time, well that's if we are even friends.

If I were gay, I could never act on it though.

I myself am accepting of the lgbtq community, but I know my parents and family aren't. But I do wonder what Matty's view is on it.

But it's not like he'd respond if I ever asked him.

My parents and more so my extended family are very traditional in their believes. And I've heard them damn 'the gays' to hell after a few beers over the football during holiday seasons while the kids play outside.

I remember momma's reaction when a lesbian couple kissed in front of us at the airport on the way to New York one summer.

She glared at them with so much hate it made me anxious and even though we were young Matty told her to stop. That was one of the first and only times I'd seen him stand up to our parents.

But dad told him that is was 'against' nature to be gay and we have a right to not witness such 'sinful' acts. Personally I'd forgotten about that memory until last night when I couldn't go to sleep, my anxiety peaking at the questioning of my sexuality.

"Wow Macy" Father James walked into the shed as I was packing up "you've done a great job so far" he complimented as he inspected the legs I finally screwed on.

"Thank you, Father, I'm on schedule to get this done before Christmas and the legs turned out great too!"

"That's great to hear, Pastor Rick mentioned you were looking for me earlier" he leaned against the worktable in the centre of the room.

"Yeah" I nodded "I was. I was hoping I could ask you more questions?"

"Ah" he nodded and offered a gentle smile "another philosophical talk I presume?"

"Something of the sort" I laughed with him.

"What's worrying you child?"

"There's this person" I started "I think I like them, and I don't know if they like me back. But that's not really at the top of my list of problems. What I'm worried about is my families reaction about who they are" I explained to him as best I could while being vague about Billie's identity.

I don't understand what I feel yet, so I'm not going to out myself either. Just in case what I feel for Billie is all in my head and I've overthought everything.

"Do you think your family would have a negative reaction?"

"I know they would" I said with certainty "this person they are... a bit rough around the edges. Swears like a sailor and s- they don't believe in god. Matter of fact a lot of our conversations and arguments are about why I believe in Christianity so deeply"