The reason why.

Dear Austin,

Dear Austin, 

loneliness,

That's how you left me, alone. I know I can't be angry, because I have no right. But I'm so damn angry. Because you left me, you didn't care what it would do to mom or dad, or Noah, Owen, and Caleb, what it would do to me. But that's how you were right, as long as Austin was happy nothing else mattered, you just left everyone without a care in the world. And I hate you for it, I hate you for leaving, for not caring, for just vanishing without telling anybody. But I miss you, and as much as I'm angry at you, I still miss your hugs, and sweet voice, I miss everything about you. And it hurts that I still love you, but you don't. And if you did, you wouldn't have left. Or you would at least call, text, email, or even just write! For god's sake you could've contacted us, it wasn't impossible, you knew our numbers, emails, and where we lived. But Austin Anderson didn't give a rat's ass. 

Do you know how much it hurt when you left, it hurt so much. You were my built in best friend, my partner in crime, we did everything together. Everything I ever did, it was with you. Do you not understand what it did to me when you were gone, it was like my first steps all over again, or riding a bike for the first time. I had to face everything by myself and people constantly  asking " where's Austin. How's Austin. Tell Austin I say Hi" because nobody knew you left, after awhile people stopped asking. They would come up with the most stupidest reasons on why you were gone. It was funny really because in school I would start crying every time someone said your name, so they took my to the office not knowing why I was crying, and they would call for to make me feel better, I guess they never caught on that you didn't want to do that. 

I wish I could give you my pain, not to make you suffer but so you could understand my pain, because it was destroying me. Do you ever miss me, do you ever think about me, or how I'm doing, because I do. I do it every night. I think about what age you are, or if you played soccer after you left, or if my grade would still be better than yours, I think about if your happy, or if you regret what you did. Sometimes I wish I went with you, it would save me so much pain and sadness. I know you know about mom, somebody said they saw you outside debating if you should go in or not. And after I ran out to see if you were there, you weren't. She would of wanted you there. 

You know I haven't had a friend since you, except one James Dawson. I find it hard to get close to people, I'm always scared they're gonna leave me, or disappear. Even James has become distant I haven't talked to him in at least 2 years. After what happened that morning I was too embarrassed to face him, and he was never one to start the conversation. But after you left, Caleb and I became really close, he would let me tag along if he hung out with his friends, he would get ice cream with me. You didn't just break me when you left, you broke everyone. I'll find myself say I have 3 brothers, and guilt washes over me every time, but I can never find myself to correct myself, because deep down it's only 3 brothers. Owen made us get rid of every photo of you, he went around the house taking them down. But I still have one hanging in my closet from when we went to the fair and you threw cotton candy in my hair, and mom was trying to get it out, I was crying, and you were laughing, I refused to let him take that one.

Do you remember the promise we made on our first day on kinder-garden, outside the front doors, hand and hand, we promised each other to never leave each other when we needed them, and you didn't break that promise when you left, only after. I know you saw the new the day after, because it was blasted over all the news stations. I don't blame you for not coming because I probably would've have screamed and cried for you to leave, and if I'm being honest I think I would still do that. 

But you broke that promise and of you came back in my life, I won't trust you, I won't be there for you, because you weren't there for me, and I can't trust you enough that you won't leave me again, because after all that's what twins do, they leave the other before they can be left, right? 

-Gracie

---

--

-

It has been  a HOT MINUTE!!!! Holy moly, I feel like I haven't been here in foreverrrrrrrr!!!! I'm so so sorry guys!!! I couldn't find inspiration to  write and I feel like I'm not writing good enough, my last chapter, was horrible. I didn't like it and neither did you. But I really hope this one is good and you like it! I'm sorry again, but I think I'm going to start updating once a week so I can actually focus on a good one. 

And also WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE GOT 400 HUNDREDS READSSSSSS!!!! WWWWWWWHHHHHHHHAAAAAAATTTTTT!!!!!! Okay, I might be over reacting but I'm so happy and I love all of you you clicked on it, thank you!!!! xoxo <3

--H