V I X E N ~ may 22nd, 2017
i wanted gus to go to london fashion week alone. it was his dream to attend and i needed to get my head in the right spot.
so instead i traveled home to new york. gus paid for everything, i appreciated that.
i wanted to see if gus was really loyal. i gave him another chance because having him yell at himself in my arms was sad to watch.
i knew he didn't mean it and i was more here to try and help gus become a better person. i wanted his love in return but i knew his love was expressed in different ways.
he messaged me everyday, i told him eventually i would come out to him in london because he had moved there now.
we were still dating and it had really only been a day since we departed ways at the airport but he called me when he landed and was in his new house, he gave me a house tour and showed me where we would sleep together and all the cool places we could go together.
i was going to end up going out there soon. for now i was working a little, i had work today and tonight. i just wanted to get my mind back and i knew a lot of me was still here in new york. especially because esha was here. gus told me she could come out, he showed me a room she could sleep in and esha was willing to go, i was just unsure about wanting to change my whole life.
esha and i were sitting on her bed going through some clothes we wanted to donate to goodwill.
"i mean if we can go together why does it really matter, we can change our whole lives there, together," esha folds an article of clothing and puts it in the donate pile.
"i know, that's why i am considering agreeing to the offer of you coming out there with me i just am so unsure about it, it's far," i shake my head dividing more of my clothes.
"i think gus needs you and you need him," she looks up at me for a second before going back to her pile of clothes.
"so should i say we will be on the next flight out? I just don't want to seem so easy with him, i am happy he said you can come because it makes it more worth it i just don't want to be so accommodating and forgiving," i wait for her response biting my lip.
i grab the dab pen in between us and take a few long rips.
"i know what you mean, i think bella thorne was a mistake. now i am not saying it was right by him because it was far from that, it was very wrong of him. but gus is different than most guys and that's so cliche but what i am saying is that his lifestyle is very different not only from being a musician but also because he does all the drugs he does," it was important to realize that.
we sorted through some more clothes and talked some more.
i texted gus after that, very simply, that i was going to want to come out to him next week. he was excited i had made my decision to come with him in london.
i thought maybe it would be good for me to get far away from this place. off the grid almost. he said i wouldn't have to work and he was letting esha come with me. it couldn't have been more ideal.
we worked the late shift at uva, we cleaned up tonight working the whole night through from open to close. it was good to get the hours in now and rack up the money now, especially because i had nothing better to be doing with my time.
when we got home, we smoked a bowl on the fire escape.
we stayed there talking for awhile.
i told esha about my brother some more, how weird everything was.
"i am thinking that maybe you being out for so long made gus upset and that's why he resorted to what he did," she speaks.
"you know it's weird because in the back of my mind when i was forgiving him i kinda was thinking that it was just easier to deal with gus than someone else and it's not the mindset i want to have. i think it's just the fact that i was feeling stuck there in LA with only him, i need you there with me is what i came to," she nods her head understanding as she passes me the blunt we rolled.
"well the good thing is that we will go out to london together and work from there, it's a new chapter in our life that i am ready to start, now tell me is gus good?" she smirks at me leaning forward.
"he is so good, it's huge. like literally, i have this photo of him in only his boxers," i show her the photo of him in stripped tommy Hilfiger bottoms, a photo i took on snapchat.
"holy shit," she zooms in to get a better look.
"he's so hot," i look at the photo and swoon a little at the sight of him.
"you got so lucky with him," she starts to light the end of the blunt again before she takes a look inhale and passes it back to me.
"i know, it's insane. i don't know what his real intentions are. he did the thing with bella and i was like okay so he wants to fuck with other people? but then he was so depressed and upset afterwards it was kind of concerning," I shrug my shoulder taking an inhale.
"I just think he doesn't do girlfriends often, and he's younger than us so i am assuming it's just immaturity," we talked some more and went through two more blunts before we went off to our rooms. i go on my phone instantly.
gus <3:
aim swo feckd
vixen:
what?
gus <3:
iwm high
facetime call from gus <3
i answer the call to see him smiling on the lower part of the screen.
"are you ok?"
"wi jwast t-" he scoffs trying to make words as he looks at the ceiling. he makes eye contact with me again, a sad look in his eyes.
"gus it's going to be ok," i assure him.
"i just want you here," it comes out perfectly, like he's sober.
"you fix things."
