V I X E N ~ november 15, 2017 :(
i woke up on the couch of larry's house next to esha. i got out of the bed and wiped my eyes. today was going to be such a mentally draining day.
i packed the worst clothes because i knew i was going to be crying all day long as i peeled through jordon's old stuff.
i got dressed in some black 90's sweatpants and an oversized come over when your sober sweatshirt that was easily 4 sizes too big for me.
i put on some white sneakers as esha woke up. i put my hair in a messy bun and went to go on my phone as esha got ready for the day.
i opened gus' message first.
peepers ♡:
good morning babygirl 🙈 miss u terribly. i hate not waking up next 2 u. i can't wait for you to come home tonight. good luck with cleaning out your brothers old house, text me when ur up. i love you beyond words.
i smile and tap to respond.
vixen:
hey daddy ;) i just woke up, i wish u were here with me. i love you beyond words.
peepers ♡:
iwmq ereally heih
vixen:
?
peepers ♡:
babbyyy, i feel emptyyyy
vixen:
why?
peepers ♡:
ur not here, i need a fix. i don't have anymore.
vixen:
gus please not too many tn
peepers ♡:
don't worry abt me.
but i worried so much about gus, every single second of the day.
i responded back and turned off my phone as esha walked in with messy outfits, a messy hair-do and no makeup.
"I know i am going to sob," i nod my head agreeing.
we headed over to brooklyn shortly after.
when we met cole, i could tell he instantly fell back in love with esha, i know she still had love for cole in her heart but she knew she couldn't get involved with someone who was a massive criminal.
"i got some money for you guys inside," he sighs nodding to the house that my brother died in.
"it's hard to see it," i sigh holding esha's hand because i was already shaking standing in front of it.
"i know, it's going to be okay though, he only has a few things left in there," cole coughs a little leading me inside the old trap house i used to live in with jordon.
he took me to his bedroom and that's when i broke down.
esha hugged me as cole rubbed my back.
"vixen he's in a better place, this world is a sick place and angels like jordon don't deserve to live in such a wicked place," cole rubs my back some more as he speaks.
"i just don't get what he did to deserve to die," i wipe some tears away with my sleeves as i note esha wiping some of her own away.
"we should get to this," i nod my head sniffling some more.
we sat down in front of a pile of his stuff. letters to me and his friends.
i took all the sealed letters to me i never read. books full of lyrics that he wrote for his music i used to call stupid. i choose to save that stuff and two sweatshirts of his that still smelled like him. in the faintest way. it was him, i wanted a piece of him with me still.
after about two hours of going through the stuff we took a lunch break. we ordered pizza but i couldn't eat, esha couldn't either as she wiped away tears.
cole's head was in his hands.
"he was so perfect," i shake my head rubbing at my eyes as a photo of him and all of us sat in the middle of the table. we found it in his wallet alongside some more of the laced xanax.
i take out my phone wiping away some tears.
4 missed facetimes ~ peepers ♡
peepers ♡:
vixen i can't do this
peepers ♡:
I can't be strong without you here
peepers ♡:
I need my drugs, i am going to find someone.
half an hour ago.
"uh oh," i instantly press facetime next to his name.
he answers, thank god. my heart starts to beat again.
"gus? what's up baby," he smiles at me and waves with red glossy eyes.
dilated as always. he looks very fucked up.
"i was just," he slurs shaking something and showing me a bottle.
"baby no, please don't take more, you seem really fucked up," he puts down the phone as he sits down clumsily in the front lounge.
he swallows another with me on facetime.
"can you stay on facetime?"
"widc goa," he slurs.
"what?"
"i am tired," he sighs leaning back.
"how many did you take?"
"not enough."
"stop gus," i shake my head seeing his figure going limb slowly.
"i will call you," he goes waving goodbye as he hangs up.
"that sounds like jordon," cole speaks after five minutes of silence.
my sobs fill the room as esha and cole go to hold me. i lost everyone that i loved. i was going to lose gus.
"i need to go back to gus, i can't leave him there alone i am scared," i look towards esha. she nods her head.
"we can go back. let's take the stuff we want and dump the rest, i think it's enough for today this is hard," she nods handing me some tissues.
we sorta through his stuff through tears for another half hour before i get a car back to LaGuardia.
i loose service minutes within being in the air but my heart was racing. i couldn't sleep on this plane, i could just sit there and let my mind run. after an hour on the flight i breakdown crying in esha's arms.
"what's wrong?" she rubs my back as i sob.
"i miss him, he was always there for me. i didn't have any family and jordon was there to make up for it and now i am so lost. i am in love with a boy just like jordon, gus is dying right now and i am hour away. i am going to lose him just like i lost jordon," esha holds me in her arms as i sob.
"vixen it wasn't your fault when jordon died. it's not going to be your fault if gus dies. putting that blame on yourself is just making this harder for you and bringing you down to a terrible mental state. when you're dealing with an addict, there is only so much you can personally do before they've gone down a path too hard for you to get them out of. i am not saying you haven't helped gus, you have, but if he doesn't make it through tonight don't blame yourself for not being there and being in new york cleaning out your brother's stuff. gus is a very anxious, emotional, and overwhelmed 21 year old boy. he is immature and you're the maturity in his life. he is doing that because he doesn't have you to give him limits and it's him being selfish. he is an addict and there is only so much you can do to save an addict. you had to do this today. to let go of jordon, and if gus dies tonight, it's no one's fault except the person who sold him laced drugs and gus for deciding to down that many from an unknown source."
