Natsby

Chapter Sixteen

Everything that has happened is because of me.

I should have never entered relations with Nick, and I never should have faltered in the job given to me. I should not be the one free, and Nick should not be the one to suffer somewhere out there. I knew someone was coming. No matter how false information could possibly be (although their predictions came true in the end), any news on my life was vital in the eyes of others. I caused this. All of it. I did not mind what came my way, as long as the things I cared about was safe. Unfortunately, what I cared about most was Nick.

I ruffled through the mess I had created, searching for anything that could help me find Nick. These people wanted something from me, right? Right? Where was the note that would tell me what to do? A photo? A map? Why was there nothing?

I paused in my hurried movements to think. How would Nick handle this? He was always the level headed one. I know how to progress, but he knew how to handle the emotional intensity of our obstacles. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, feeling my shoulders rise and then fall as I exhaled. I opened my eyes again, and realized that I would never be able to find something if I did not know what had changed. So I began to clean.

I worked feverishly through the day. Any time tiredness would consume me, I would think about what Nick could be going through, and that would be enough to make me work once more. I felt the brightness of the rooms grow as dark as my state of being as the sun drifted down, and at that point I finally finished. There was nothing. "No," I felt the word tumble out in a crack of voice. My eyes welled up. I failed. Nick was dead because I couldn't do enough to protect him. I collapsed onto the floor in the living room, and I let myself wail in grief. I had lost of time with how long I stayed like that, but when I finally rose, my aching body wailed in tension and exhaustion. I stretched, feeling my spine crack. I dragged my feet as I slowly made my way to our once shared room. My face was burning hot, but my toes were ice. I flopped down onto the bed, before slowly nestling under the covers.

I was slowly drifting off before I noticed it. A letter addressed to me on the nightstand. I picked myself up in confusion. How did I miss this before? It was such an obvious placement. I reached over and gently lifted it up, knowing the contents would reveal Nick's fate. It weighed as heavily as my heart as I sat up to properly read. It wasn't sealed, and so I pulled the letter out of it's envelope, unfolding and reading.

Gatsby,

I am heartily sorry for the pain this may cause you. It was never my intention to have our lives spiral in this way. You would not be here right now if I had never pressed myself onto you. Your home, your wealth, your future. All that lost because of my recklessness.

I suppose this by itself is an action I would not normally take. I have never been one to run away, and yet I have also never been the one to be involved in the first place. You have changed me, Gatsby. And in thanks, I have destroyed your life. I had therefore came to the conclusion that I need to leave. I am sure you are in pain now, but it will best help you in the end.

Do not find me Gatsby.

Farewell,

Nick

My heart sunk with each word. He did not even finish his letter with an "I love you." My face grew pale as each breath I took became more strained. I was unable to comprehend why Nick would do such a thing. He was not the irrational one. I was. Did I cause this? Was I the problem again? The letter fluttered out of my hand and onto the ground, but I barely noticed. My mind was replaying the previous night over and over again. He was busy with writing something. I thought it was his story that he once worked dedicatedly on, but instead it must have been that letter. He didn't do anything else that seemed different.

I groaned and fell back onto the bed, my legs lightly dangling above the ground. I wanted to cry for someone I didn't even love.