Love at the time of Quarantine

Chapter 4

Day 7 Part two

"Tell me why haven't you told me you love me? Especially since you came back? Did you miss me?" Adam asked. The lingering pain in his chest was too much like he couldn't breathe. "Why haven't you asked me how was I doing here all by myself?"

Eric had not seen this side of Adam in a long time, not since they had a big fight during college. Even through the phone screen, he could tell that Adam was holding back tears masking it behind his signature anger. Eric knew the answer to his question. He assumed that Adam had been suffering too in his absence while he was away pursuing his dreams. Adam never showed but Eric knew that he had been miserable. It was not just a coincidence that he had adopted a third dog.

When he first moved to Milan, it wasn't all rainbows. Adjusting to a new city wasn't easy especially when he didn't know the language. He didn't have friends at the beginning. What he hated the most was coming back to an empty apartment, every evening. Some days it almost killed him that Adam wasn't there to greet him. Back at home, he might have given him a back rub after a stressful day. The loneliness was too apparent in the beginning. He would feel a bit of normal when he would talk to Adam over the phone.

Eric had his work to keep him occupied during the day. Sometimes he felt guilty that how much he liked his work. His routine was mundane and before he could realize their relationship also somehow had been an endless cycle of repetitions. Eric still wanted to wake up to a good morning voice message from Adam and talk to him before going to sleep. Even when his workload was thieving away precious time from their nightly conversations, he at least wanted to wish him a good night. Both of them tried their best to work through this but there are limitations when you are in two parts of the world.

Countless times Eric wanted to reach him. Battled the idea of buying a ticket middle of the night and fly to New York, unannounced. He imagined telling him "Fuck this shit Adam, I am never leaving you again". The time difference was another snag.

Eric did not tell Adam how he felt. How he missed him every night, his arms wrapped around him when he woke up in the morning, his smell, his scruffy hair. How much he loved him serving pancakes with extra whipped cream even though Eric complained about carbs and gaining weight. Picking outfits for him, despite his protests making him try on outfits at the shop. Or just random things, like Adam sitting in the living room surfing through tv, or him being a goofball around the dogs. Cookiejar, Baxter, and two of them were already a family that Eric had left behind in New York.

Adam had every right to be mad at him. He had been avoiding the talk with Adam since he got offered a permanent position in Milan. It was his dream promotion and it was the obvious next step in his career, otherwise, why was he working so hard for the past months. Adam would agree to stay with him in a heartbeat he knew that. But it wouldn't be fair on him. He had been doing so well in his business. He didn't want Adam to leave his entire life in New York for him. Eric knew his distant behavior would be the thing to set Adam off but he barely knew how to break it to Adam. If they can't be together in Italy, should they break up? Eric didn't want to lose Adam. He was so scared that he started building a shell outside him. They talked about their days; Eric was there but he was not there. As if he was passing days and not living in them.

Eric realized he had not said anything to Adam for a while. He had been either patiently waiting for an answer or was disappointed at him. "Adam, I know it had been tough on you and I never meant to put you through this." He began still looking for words to say everything that was going inside him. For the first time, he fell short of words, correct and careful words. "I don't want to hurt you." He said instead.