Mulligans

25. Stella de Oro

Chase had risen early, still unable to quiet his mind after a sleepless night. He was determined to tell Nathan that what had happened was a mistake. It had obviously been completely irrational, and it couldn't continue. They had nearly been caught, and he was sure the consequences of that wouldn't be lost on Nathan.

Chase swung his legs out of bed and pulled on some shorts, a tank top, and his running shoes. Hopefully he could run the anxiety away and exhaust himself to the point of being able to sleep the following night. He knew that once he'd had an opportunity to have a levelheaded conversation with Nathan in the light of day, everything would be put into perspective.

Chase looked over at Tyler, still sound asleep, the covers pulled over his head. He slipped out of the guest cottage silently and crossed the still-dewy grass to the cliff stairs overlooking the lake. Perhaps stretching out on the dock and revisiting the last spot he and Nathan had shared a moment would chase away any lingering shadows from the previous night.

The crisp morning air felt good in his lungs, and his head was beginning to clear as he jogged down the stairs. Seeing he wasn't alone, he stopped in his tracks and was about to attempt a silent retreat when he was spotted from the dock.

"Oh, Chase! Good morning, come here a minute," Stacey called, looking up from organizing seed packages into a handcrafted wooden box.

Chase took a deep breath and jogged the last steps down the hill and out onto the pier. Stacey sat on a cedar bench in a sundress and light sweater. Steam from a coffee cup billowed out in the brisk morning air and disappeared over the lake. "You're up early," Chase stated as he approached.

"You too." Stacey set the box of seeds down and paused, collecting her thoughts before looking up again at Chase. "I wanted to talk to you about something."

Chase shifted his weight uncomfortably.

"When were you going to tell me?" she continued.

A myriad of emotions welled up inside him. "Okay, I can...."

"It's okay. I've decided I'm okay with it," Stacey continued with a reassuring smile.

"You're... okay with it...." He let the words fall from his mouth, desperately trying to chase after their significance.

She looked out over the lake and took up the coffee cup in her hands, wrapping them around the warm china. "When Nathan and I were getting married I had my... doubts. I know how you feel. I didn't think I could tell anyone at first either. I don't even know if I really loved Nathan at the time, but Tyler was already a little boy, and I couldn't have done it alone." She looked down into her cup, as if the rest of her story were written inside it. "I don't think I knew what love was... but I knew what I had to do and eventually we grew to love each other."

Stacey picked up the wooden box of seeds again and beckoned Chase over to take it from her. "So, I've decided I'll plant a perennial to symbolize the new you and the love that will grow inside you, stronger and stronger, year after year." She smiled at the thought. "Pick one."

Chase wasn't really sure what was happening but decided it best if he did as instructed until he could figure it out. He flipped through the seed packages quickly and selected a yellow flower, handing the package to Stacey.

"Stella de Oro daylily. Beautiful choice," she commented, tapping the package with her finger. "Each flower blooms only once and then dies. You know, I don't know why I didn't put it together sooner. I'm a little hurt that you didn't tell me, but I understand."

"Hurt that I didn't tell you...?" Chase asked, now completely at a loss.

"Of course. Birdy was the one who finally pointed it out to me. She knew right away."

Chase felt his face blanch. "Birdy knows!"

Stacey waved away his concern, "Don't worry, Birdy's fine with it. She's one hip little girl."

"Wait, Birdy knows that we...."

"That you're gay," Stacey finished for him, with a comforting smile.

"Oh, thank God." Chase sighed in relief.

"I know. It must have been terrible to feel you had to keep a secret like that. Why didn't you tell me?"

Chase looked at Stacey and decided that after all of this, she deserved the truth. "What you said at the barbecue, I didn't think you'd understand."

"Oh, with Jenna and the... oh Chase, I'm so sorry, if I'd known...." Stacey shook her head, apparently realizing her faux pas. "I hope you'll be able to forgive me. Go for your run. I'll have breakfast ready when you get back," she said, picking up the box of seeds and walking off the dock.

"Stacey?"

She turned and waited patiently.

"Thank you." Chase nodded and she smiled, returning his nod before walking up the hill.

Gravel crunched loudly under Chase's sneakers as he ran down the country road. His shirt was soaked with sweat and his lungs were screaming from the exertion. He wanted to rid himself of the iniquity that was consuming him from the inside out. Seeing Stacey and having her apologize to him had been too much. There was no way he could sit at her table and casually pretend like nothing was amiss.

The green of the forest began to swirl around him, and Chase stumbled, falling to his knees and feeling the gravel tear through skin. He was glad for it. He deserved it. The guilt continued to germinate inside him, pushing against his rib cage and up and out his throat, forcing an uncontrollable retch.