coward coward coward
I repeat over and over again like a mantra
to the stone faced girl behind the mirror
I can practically see the words nesting under her skin
burrowing through flesh
planting eggs upon ribbons of rose tinted sinew
like placards
warning signs to be reflected against the irises
of ravenous boys who wish to feast on
more than what the surface offers
the girls lip trembles behind the reflective partition
as if she knows that this is what I intended;
her damnation
dirty dirty dirty
I spit out like daggers
until I can practically see the word engraved on her forehead
on her body
along precious skin that even the sun hasn't seen
places where lovers would one day dig their nails into
and moan words of gospel against about some god they don't believe in
dandelion skin turned wilted
tarnished, even
liquified and intoxicated
like oil spilled waters no one would even dare to dip their toes into
I look back at the girl and see a part of her missing
maybe it's because
I cracked her soul like an egg
and let the yolk oxidize my gums burnt umber
leaving nothing but her shell at my feet
I hate this girl
hate hate hate
the word plays in my head like an old radio jingle
a corrupt tune leaving grim reminders in the gummy coating of my brain
I hate this girl
I hate her for thinking that anyone could love her
I hate her for thinking she could ever be wanted by a stranger
I hate her for not wanting to fuck boys like a normal girl would
I hate her for thinking she could ever find a place in the world
hate hate hate
every time I say it I become more and more like the antagonist in a tv show
the character you hope is killed off by the end of the season
but I can't stop
I have become addicted to this feeling that I can't imagine life without it
it feels like a warm blanket engulfing oneself after a snowy afternoon
it feels like home
it has consumed me
festered in my stomach like a virus
and I hate myself because I don't want a cure
for the serpent seeking solitude inside the swell of my belly
coating my organs in glazes of venom
growing and growing
as I give it what it wants
I have let myself become mother earth
to my own ruin
-ken m 9/7/20
