A long, long time

I love her

POV Arizona

      I wake up after a few hours in the on call room and I know it's time to start trying to get on with my life. Luckily Mark has Sofia tonight so I can spend time trying to figure out exactly how to do that. I have to figure out how to turn my shattered life into something that at least resembles decency.

     I tell myself I have to get up and get myself together and I do. I drag myself to my feet and dry my eyes as I fight the urge to give up and let myself start sobbing. Taking a second to gather my composure I open the door and try to act like my entire world didn't just end, again. I have one more surgery today but I don't think I'm in the right head space to preform surgery right now, so I page Alex to take my place and I head home.

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     Opening the door to my apartment memories from this morning come flooding back into my head. I was happy. Really, truly, happy. I walk further into the living room and I can't help but pause and think about Callie. She was pregnant with Sofia and I started moving her boxes back from across the hall with out asking her. That was day we officially got back together after I came back from Africa. Tears prick the back of my eyes again as more thoughts of Callie come rushing back. For years I pushed every thought of her as far back into my mind as I could because I knew that as soon as I started thinking about her I wouldn't be able to stop. I make my way back to the bedroom and reach into the very back of my closet. I haven't touched this for nearly 3 years. Callie's black Nike hoodie. It is the only thing of hers I kept and I could never bring myself to throw it out.

I bring the hoodie out into the living room with me as I collapse on the couch and turn Netflix on. I'm not really watching anything I just need some kind of noise to drown out the sound of the inevitable tears that are going to start falling as I clutch the hoodie as tight as I can. It doesn't smell like her anymore, it has been too long, but I can still imagine it so clearly. So clearly that it feels like she is sitting right next to me with her arms wrapped tightly around me and my face buried in her shoulder. I wish I couldn't picture her so clearly anymore. It makes me feel like I need her, but I know that I will never have her again. I blew my chance. I blew my chance with the love of my life. The dam breaks and the tears fall, this time I let them. I bury my face in the hoodie and let it soak up all of my tears.

I haven't even seen her yet, but just knowing that she is in town again, after all this time, brings back all these memories and feelings about her. I always knew that I loved her. I never stopped loving her and I knew that the entire time that I was with Chloe, I just didn't want to know it. I loved Chloe, I really did, but if this day has shown me anything it's that I never loved Chloe the way I loved Callie. I will never love anyone the way I love Callie.

Chloe broke up with me today and yet all I can think about is Callie and how she is going to be here for the next month. The love of my life is going to be living across the hall from me for the next month and I know that she wants nothing to do with me. I end up crying myself to sleep on the couch with the tv playing and Callie's Nike hoodie clutched to my chest.