AS YOU HELD ONTO ME / hs

Four

- Tuesday, March 12, 2019 -

Ava's eyes blinked open against the sunlight pouring into her bedroom. Turning over towards the center of the bed, she grazed her hand against the cold sheets.

Waking up to an empty bed had become the new norm.

Groggily clambering out of bed, she tucked her feet into her slippers at the end of the bed before she went in search of a sweatshirt. The house was freezing cold in the mornings, before the sun had the chance to warm the shingles from the still cold temperature.

She trudged down squeaky stairs to the kitchen where the smell of coffee brewing was wafting through the house, finding a fully dressed Harry with his back to her as he poured his mug. He caught her entering the room out of the corner of his eye, grabbing another mug.

She walked to his side, taking the mug from his hand and kissing his shoulder softly.

"How'd you sleep?" Ava asked as she opened the fridge to grab the creamer.

"Eh, alright," he spoke while he poured his own mug. "You?"

"Same."

Ava was quiet as she fixed her coffee, the sound of her spoon stirring in her mug the only noise in the kitchen. Wordlessly placing the spoon into his mug, she leaned against the counter as an awkward silence overtook the room.

Harry stirred his coffee slowly before dropping the spoon into the sink with a clunk. He turned towards her and leaned against the opposite counter. "We have to be there at 2, right?"

"Mhm," she nodded slightly over the top of your mug.

"Okay, I'll be back by 1:30 to get you."

"Alrighty," she replied quietly.

They drank their coffee in silence, Ava's mind so far away that she couldn't even attempt to bring it back.

Harry finished his first, placing his empty mug into the sink to fill it with water. He walked over to her, stopping in front of her so he could tuck some of her hair behind her ear. "It's gonna be okay, babe."

Ava nodded, keeping her mug at her lips as he leaned in to kiss her cheek before heading out the door.

But everything wasn't okay.

If everything was okay, a year wouldn't have passed without Ava getting pregnant. If everything was okay, they wouldn't be heading to an infertility doctor to see why she wasn't getting pregnant. If everything was okay, she wouldn't be hating herself for not giving Harry the family they always talked about.

The first few months of trying were fine. She had expected it to take some time. But by the fifth month, she decided to start tracking her cycle more closely. And by the seventh month, she had started using ovulation kits. Eighth, ninth, tenth, eleventh; months coming and going without a positive pregnancy test.

She was disheartened. And she knew once you hit the one year mark you needed to set up an appointment to see someone.

As much as she didn't want to admit it, she also knew it was putting a strain on her marriage. Maybe she was projecting. Or maybe Harry really was disappointed. She couldn't be sure. He never said anything, and he was always optimistic, saying they would figure it out.

She just wished it wasn't something they had to figure out.

She had friends getting pregnant left and right, attending baby showers and gender reveal parties while she begged a stick to finally show that it was her turn.