AS YOU HELD ONTO ME / hs

Five

- Monday, June 17, 2019 -

Her husband's hand was tightly grasped between both of hers as it rested in her lap. The waiting room was packed but completely silent.

The Clomid didn't work. Ava's period arrived like clockwork right along with her looming disappointment.

They discovered she wasn't ovulating, which in the fertility world, was a big no-no. Dr. Sobel switched to a different, more intense medicine called Letrozole in an attempt to force ovulation. It was a larger dose and a stronger form of Clomid. But with that came stronger side effects. Ava constantly had a headache and more times than not she woke up in the morning, drenched in sweat. But the kicker was that it upset her stomach, which she immediately took as pregnancy nausea, only to discover that she was still, in fact, not pregnant.

The next step was an Intrauterine Insemination or "IUI". Ava preferred the acronym, it sounded less scary. The couple stopped at the lab to drop off Harry's sperm thirty minutes prior to their appointment. At least he had the option to jerk off into his little cup in the privacy of his own bathroom this time. One bright side, Ava supposed.

They sat together in that waiting room, hand in hand, as they waited for their name to be called.

The IUI had been explained as a catheter being inserted directly into Ava's uterus so that the sperm could get a "head start". She had multiple office visits leading up to that day. Ultrasounds to check that her eggs were growing sufficiently and blood tests to check when her LH hormone spiked.

She also had a lot of tests over the last few months. She'd been poked and prodded more than she'd ever been in her life. There was a test that checked that there wasn't a blockage in her fallopian tubes, one to check that there weren't any cysts in her ovaries. Both were extremely painful, but came back clear.

There was no solid answer as to why she wasn't getting pregnant.

That was maybe the worst part. Everything they did moving forward was a shot in the dark, a "maybe".

It was getting expensive, every test and procedure was an out of pocket expense. How long could they even keep that up before going into debt? The more time that passed, the more Ava started to feel like all of it was for nothing. The failed attempts, the tricks her mind played on her, the longing and hoping only to continually be let down. It was exhausting.

The office door opened. "Styles."

Ava looked to Harry. He squeezed her hand reassuringly as he mouthed I love you before they got up and followed the nurse back to their room.

***

"Hey mom," Ava answered her phone as she walked to her bedroom with a clean laundry basket on her hip.

"Hi honey, how are you feeling?"

"I'm okay," she assured her mother. "It definitely wasn't the most pleasant feeling but I survived."

"Oh I'm sure."

Ava knew her mom was stressed for her, as much as she tried to hide it. She called often to check on Ava. After every appointment, every blood test, every procedure. Even on days when they didn't have anything going on, her mom called. Mostly to check on Ava mentally. Her mom knew the toll everything was taking on her.

"So what did they say? When do you go back?"

"The blood test is July fifteenth."

"And they'll call you that day with results?"

"Yup," Ava confirmed.

Her mother's voice cracked the tiniest bit. "I know it's a lot, sweetie. I wish I could help."

"I know, mom." Ava tried to sound reassuring, like she wasn't breaking on the inside every minute of the day.

"How's Harry handling it?"

"Um, fine I guess. We haven't really talked about it."

"Everything okay?"

"I don't know. We just feel really... distant. It's hard to explain."

"It's hard on a couple," she agreed. "Maybe you should try to do something together to take your mind off it. Reconnect."

Usually, they'd reconnect when they had sex. But that was few and far between now. It was as if their sex life was on a strict schedule, only important and necessary when they were actively trying to conceive.

Ava felt like they were losing the passion they once shared. It used to be exciting, spontaneous, a way to unwind after a long day. But now long days were met with longer nights. Unspoken awkwardness, small talk and a bed with enough space between them that another person could fit.

She felt so far away from him that it physically hurt.

And the more she thought about it, the more she knew, that was the worst part.  

***