AS YOU HELD ONTO ME / hs

Twelve

- Saturday, October 5, 2019 -

Ava sat at the kitchen counter with her mug of coffee warming her palm as Harry scrambled eggs.

It was as domestic of a Saturday morning as you could get. They had woken up with the sun as it slowly started to peek through their blinds. Harry pulled Ava closer as he tucked his face into her hair, breathing her in slowly as he started to come to.

He had been gentle with her throughout the week, but still held true to their conversation of being more open. And she was holding up her end of the bargain. The truth was, she wasn't sure how she was feeling. A big part of her still felt like there was a pit in her stomach and a gauge in her heart.

Ava stopped into the office during the week for the blood work she discussed with Dr. Sobel. It would probably take a few days for the results to be processed, so she and Harry were in the midst of a waiting game yet again.

The difference was that they were waiting together. Ava wasn't locking herself away, or withdrawing as much as humanly possible. If she was worrying about it, she expressed it. And Harry listened with an open heart, just like he always did.

They were finally starting to get to a better place in their marriage. For so long, Ava and Harry had been tip toeing around each other. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always being let down month after month. It was exhausting for Ava and it was exhausting for their marriage. So she really wasn't sure if she wanted to go through it again with the potential outcome she already endured.

Harry pulled her from her thoughts when he turned towards her to scoop some eggs from the pan onto her plate.

"You okay?"

"I'm worrying," she replied sheepishly. "I feel like I keep saying the same thing over and over again."

"You're trying to process everything. It's a lot," he shrugged.

"I just wanna know. I think it would push me to decide what I want."

"Well I don't want you to be pushed. I want you to take as much time as you need," Harry shook his head, his brow furrowed deeply.

Ava nodded before going quiet as he put the pan in the sink and came around the counter to sit next to her.

"Would you be heartbroken if I didn't want to try again?" Ava's voice was timid as she looked down at her plate.

"No," he answered quickly. "There are other ways to have a family."

Ava nodded again, pushing her food around her plate.

Harry sighed as he turned his body towards her so he could wrap one of his arms around the back of her chair. "Hey," he ran the backs of his fingers along her arm. "I can't decide it for you, baby. You gotta... want to put your body through it again. I don't want you to do it for me."

"I know," she whispered.

Ava reached up to cup his jaw, softly stroking her thumb across his skin. He leaned in to press a sweet kiss to her lips before turning back to his plate.

She knew he was right. As much as she wanted someone to tell her what to do, just so that she could stop thinking and worrying about it, she had to get to that decision on her own.

They ate the rest of their breakfast, the conversation relaxing quickly into their normal banter. It was nice when Ava could have some moments when her mind wasn't torturing her.

The rest of the morning was low key, cleaning up around the house while Harry got their grocery list together before he tackled the mess that was their pantry.

By mid afternoon they were laying on the couch, Ava's head in Harry's lap as they both read their respective books. Ava felt more relaxed then she had in a long time. And even when she let herself think about the future, she didn't feel like hives could cover her entire body at any given moment.

The low chime of her phone ringing came from where it was sitting on the coffee table. Ava sat up from Harry's lap, laying her book open to hold her place before grabbing it.

Doctor Sobel

Ava gave Harry an apprehensive look once he read the contact, answering just before it went to voicemail.

"Hello?"

"Hello Mrs. Styles. It's Doctor Sobel. Are you busy?"

"Um, no. No, not at all."

"Great. Your test results just came across my desk so I figured I'd reach out."

Ava mouthed test results to Harry before putting Dr. Sobel on speaker.

"Okay, great."

"So unfortunately, you do have the blood disorder. We tested for seven different antibodies and every one came back positive."

Ava let out a deep breath as she glanced at Harry, his brows furrowed in concern.

"Okay so what does that mean?"

"Well, you're going to want to see a hematologist regardless of the route you take with infertility. I can recommend a few for you."

"Okay. Yes, thank you."

"And with regards to your infertility, I'm fairly certain this caused you to miscarry."

Ava sucked in a breath as she frowned. "Fairly certain?"

"Unfortunately, there's no definite way to know. But your results tell me that it's very likely."

Ava nodded as an overwhelming cloud of doubt came over her mind.

After a few beats Dr. Sobel went on. "I'm going to have Steph email you the hematologists I recommend. Take the earliest appointment that's available."

"How worried should I be?" Ava spoke anxiously.

"I don't want you to worry. This can be managed very easily. But you do need to see someone and stay on top of it, especially as you get older."

"Okay, I'll get the next appointment," she agreed as her heart beat wildly in her ears.

"Good. And take your time deciding if you want to move forward with another IUI. I understand it's a big decision. We will be here if or when you are ready."

"Okay. Thank you for letting me know."

They said their goodbyes and Ava up with shaky hands, immediately being pulled into Harry's arms as she quietly cried.

*** 

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