AMaZiNg GrAyCE and the Amazing Race!

Chapter 12: Fear of The Unknown

The next day, Jely told me that she was going to be meeting her birth mom. She had asked her parents months ago and her mom said that she would go with her, but needed to find her first and make sure it was a good time. All in all, she agreed to meet her.

I tried to imagine that for myself. I had recently started to wonder more than ever who my biological mom was. I don't even think I would be mad or disappointed if she was in the streets, I would be happy just to know where my DNA is from. I had no idea if she was Black or White or even anything else.

After I comfort Jely and told her everything was going to be okay, I gave myself my own pep talk and I told Dennis I was pregnant. He was in shock, almost in more shock than I was. In that moment, I sobbed and he held me until I eventually calmed down. He advised me to talk to Beth, so I did.

When I got home, she was in the living room drawing. I sat next to her and put my head on her shoulder.

"Beth...?"

"Yeppers." She said, resting her head back on me.

I sighed, finding comfort in her closeness. "Beth..."

"What's wrong? " she picked her head up and turned to look at me.

"I'm sorry. I've been hiding something."

"What? What's wrong?"

I fiddled my thumbs together. "You're going to think I'm crazy."

Setting down her painting utensils, she sent me a serious look. "What is it?"

"Remember when I was super stressed and trying to win the publishing contest?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"...And I just wanted to do something that wasn't me?"

"Oh, yeah!" She laughed at the memory. "You ate carrots, I remember."

Even at the sight of her smiling face, I felt my eyes beginning to water up again.

"Oh, Zoe, what is it?" Concern laced the edges of her words. "You can't be crying about eating carrots. It was months ago."

"I.... I had sex with Richard." I whispered out, too ashamed to look her in the eyes.

There came a pause, before I felt her hand on my chin, coaxing me to look back up at her.

"Hey, don't cry. It's going to be okay."

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't like keeping anything from you. I hate it."

She stared at me, and it looked like the wheels were turning in her head. "Like... with Richard? Our ace Richard?"

I nodded.

"That's weird. Was it just to be... different? Like you eating carrots?"

I nodded, wiping my tears on my sleeves.

She sat back in her seat, eyebrows knitting together. "I'm surprised he went along with that."

"Me too." I sniffed.

"You shouldn't feel as if you couldn't tell me that, though. I knew you were going crazy. Why would you even lie about it?"

"I know... I'm sorry. Richard kept telling me to tell you, but I was so scared."

Beth sent me a small smile, shaking her head. "You shouldn't have been."

"But Beth...things went too far now."

"No, Zoe, it's okay. Really."

"No, it's not. When I went to the doctor, I found out that I'm pregnant."

"What?" She blurted out, her mouth ajar. "Are you serious?"

"I'm terminating it this week."

"Zoe, no. Don't do that." She shook her head in disbelief at my statement. "Why? This is like a dream come true."

"What? This isn't my dream! I don't want to do this. I...I thought we were done trying to be parents?"

Beth's look softened as her voice dropped down to a whisper. "...But this is your baby."

"Stop it. Stop calling it a baby. I didn't plan it. It was a mistake and I don't want to have this false hope just to be let down again."

"It won't be false hope. Did you tell Richard?"

"Yeah, yesterday."

"What did he say?"

"That he would take me to the clinic. And that he would support any decision I want to make."

Beth swallowed thickly. "...Does he want you to have it?"

"It doesn't matter." I shook my head. "I don't want to make a mistake."

"Don't think of it as a mistake. Think of it as your baby."

"No. I don't want to think about it at all. It makes me sick."

"Zoe..." Beth started, taking a deep breath through her nose. "I think you should plan to have the baby."

"I..." My words caught in my throat, with my bottom lip quivering. "...I don't think I can."

"We'll raise it together and I know Richard will help, too."

"Beth, I don't think you understand."

"Zoe." She took my hands in hers. "I love you. And I know you're just afraid, but it's going to be okay."

My gaze fell downwards again. "...I don't know."

"Please don't kill your baby. Why would you? Zoe, this is the baby that no one will be able to take from you. You wanted to be a mom again and we are both scared to try and adopt anymore."

"Beth, it's not just that. I'm scared to push a baby out of my body. And who's to say it will get that far? I'll probably lose it anyway and I don't want to get attached."

"Zoe, please consider what I'm saying. You just need to think about it. We should call Richard and all talk about it together."

"What? No." I stood up from my seat, heading towards my bedroom. I disregarded the sad look on Beth's face as I went. My feelings were absolute. "This is my decision and I don't want it."