Black Beauties |Admin|

❗❗❗😔

⚠ Triggering topics. Don't continue if easily triggered

-oceanmist- (safe space)

So...um, I don't really know how to say this, and I kinda feel like I've said this more than once but things keep coming up for me and I...I don't know. So, um, I'm supposed to be trying to do positive things and I do sometimes, but there are times when I just really don't care or feel like it. But lately, I've just been kinda back and forth with myself. I've been told that writing things down is a way to help but I haven't written things down in a long while until last night.
Are we really missed? Or is that something that we say to those in mourning?

Normally I do things without reason because I'm impulsive sometimes, but I mostly always have a reason for the things I do or say. I just feel like I put on a smile and charade for those who I don't want to hurt but I end up hurting them or myself anyway no matter what.

Ok, I'm not making sense. Shit. So um. I've had a problem with self harm before and I've been sent away and counseled because of it and I haven't had a problem with it for a little while afterwards, but now I've started up again and I know that it's stupid for me to, but I don't know what's wrong with me. I know that I could possibly talk to my mom but I don't want to have that conversation for the third or fourth time.

I mean, I have a good personality, I would like to think so. I try and get along with people. I don't like to spread hate or distance people away from me when I know that we can probably get along, but there are days where I just don't really feel like getting up or even going to sleep. And when I make myself stay up, it makes it worse for me...I think.

I have trust issues, I'm hella weird, I'm an introvert one moment and a extrovert the next moment, I'm a hectic OCD and occasionally maybe paranoid, anger issued, I hate talking about what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling but I don't know how to not push people away when I know that I really need them. I've had some certain mental things in thr past, years ago, but I don't know what's with me now. I just have many problems.

I-I said all of that to say this...
And it's hard to admit
But I've thought of just ending it. I mean, to be honest, I don't really know why. I do have things to be happy about, things that I can hold onto. Maybe I'm just one to always self-sabotage myself but it-I don't know. And I know that this is kinda disappointing and really morbid/depressing but I for some reason just want to know what others reactions would be If I actually were to actuallu talk.

I don't like speaking my feelings, I seem to spiral over the lowest and highest things, and I always/most of the time feel like I'm putting on a face that's not mine. And I suddenly just wondered if I would be missed, as fucked up as that sounds.

This is a long long paragraphs of 50 shades of fucked up King 😬>>😒>>😔>>☺>>😁>>😗>>😂>>😗>>😬>>😢>>😭>>😳>>😪>>😡>>😋>>😕>>😞

So uh...thanks for listening to my ted talk.