Wings

Chapter 24: Relapse

And I am more than these bones

I feel love, I feel alone

I just wish you would come home

My body's weak

I feel my heart giving up on me

I'm worried it might just be

Something my soul needs

J.P.O.V

I pace outside of Pandemonium and wait for Izzy to come out of the building. I tried too many times to get the door open, but I don't know the spell to get inside. I wondered if I could call Magnus about it, I mean he's a Warlock too, but I know that Crinina wouldn't want to help us if we just blasted her door down. Besides Magnus may be the High Warlock of Brooklyn, but Crinina is the High Warlock of all of New York city. She is his boss basically, and she would not be very happy with him if he tried anything against her. Simon stands leaning against the wall of the alley, his eyes closed. I almost laugh, I think he's praying. He hasn't done that in a long time. 

The door bursts open, and Izzy falls forward, and before I can even react Simon is there. He grabs her and pulls her into his arms. Her eyes look dazed and her face is a mix of confusion and shock. She grips Simon for a couple minutes, they just laid there, all splayed out on the metal steps. Simon had been stroking Isabelle's hair and she had closed her eyes. Suddenly, I get uncomfortable, and I turn around. It was too intimate for me to witness. The love in Simon's gaze and his protective posture, bending and wrapping his body around hers. Isabelle's look of unrequited love and relief makes me feel nauseous, it was so familiar to me, just on a different face. 

Suddenly I feel like I can't breathe, and I half-stumble half-walk towards the dirty brick wall across from Izzy and Simon. I grab my chest, my heart contracting so much it hurts. Angel, not this again. I lean my head against the wall, silence fills the darkening alley. I breathe, Clary's not gone, she's here. She'll be okay. I reassure myself over and over again when I get like this. I had seen Magnus, and other warlocks and healers, but none of them could find anything wrong. I guess it's just my mind that's messed up. It's always my fault, I can't help it. I always am the one that gets the blame

Izzy and Simon don't seem to notice me after a while, but I can feel Izzy's eyes on me after a while, and I know that she knows something's wrong. I take a deep breath. I know that I will have to come out of my mind sometime. I turn around. "So what's the plan?' I ask, Izzy's eyes shaded with worry.

Izzy sighs before standing up and addressing Simon and I. "Crinina has agreed to help us heal Clary and make sure that she is able to come out the coma intact." She looks at me and knows what I am about to ask next. "But she wanted something in return. My blood."  She looks at me, but my vison starts to blur. 

"What!" I practically scream at her, doesn't she know all the things that Warlocks can do with Shadowhunter blood. I run my fingers through my hair and start to pace. For one thing, she could easily cast a spell to read or even control Izzy's mind! How could we protect her? Maybe we coul-

"JACE!" Izzy yells in my face. Suddenly I am aware of her standing in front of me, waving her hands around. 

"Did you not here what I just said, Crinina said that she would help Clary! This isn't the time to freak out and close in on yourself! Just like you used to..." Her voice fades as a shadow crosses over her face. I know that she was remembering the first months after Clary left. I couldn't feel anything but pain. I spent hours going through memories, trying to figure where I had gone wrong. I lived through the good times, the bad times, and the times that I thought that we were going to die together. The shadows on the walls would always be Clary's. Always there, in the back of my mind, but never actually there. I shake the thoughts from my head. I have to focus on the future, not the past.