Live to Die

~Chapter 1 Sedia~

I flipped the last barstool onto a table and stretched, working the kinks out. Rotten Rotty's had been busy and all I could think about was home. My feet ached, my eyelids were heavy, exhausted didn't begin to cover it.  The smell of stale booze permeated the air staining my nose. Digging deep I found the energy to keep moving, the till still needed cashing out. The downside of working in a biker bar is all the cash to count.  The upside?  Tips. Unfortunately in my little corner of the state there wasn't much else for a single mom with only a high school education.  I had dreams of getting out, but they crashed and burned about four years ago.  What should have been a hot summer fling turned into so much more.

I checked the front doors one last time before heading out the back staff door. Turning to lock the door, I couldn't help but hear the rumble of motorcycles echoing through the deserted streets. You'd think I would be more nervous but very little scared me with the childhood I had.  Besides, I had nothing to fear from the 1% club that ran the county, they were regulars.  Usually one tailed me to the bank, making sure I was safe with the cash.  Tonight it was one of the Lost Order guys. Tucking the deposit in my purse I drove over to the bank and finally home to sleep. Hopefully. This had been my routine for the last two and a half years give or take. Weekends I closed, Monday to Thursday I worked the books, orders and schedules.  Left me Sundays to relax as best I could.

"Thank fuck" I whispered as I walked thru the door to my house kicking off my shoes in relief. I couldn't help but notice Jordan asleep on the couch. Looks like they'd worn him out again. What I'd do without Jordan Mills and his family I didn't know. Jordan was the brother I never had, my bff. His parents?  Joe and Shirley Mills basically raised me. My body was definitely exhausted, it had been a long day, my mind was a different story. A bunch from Lost Order MC had been in tonight (Lost Order ran the neighboring county). Not HIM though, he'd fucked off almost four years ago.  Just before my dreams crashed.  Coincidence?  Jury is still out.  What he left me with I wouldn't trade for the world.  Funny how life works.

"That you Sed?" Jordan scrubbed his stubbled face, blinked and got up. "Go sit, put your feet up. You must be exhausted."

"You're the best! When's your leave done again?" I settled into my favourite chair, putting my aching feet up on the ottoman. Jordan had achieved his dream. Not only had he gotten out of this shit town he'd joined the Marines.

"Another week." He replied. I watched Jordan move about my kitchen wishing I could fall for him. My bff was the total package; tall, dark hair, fit. And truly an amazing human being.  Unfortunately I'd friend zoned him many years ago. 

"So busy tonight. Frank got pissed up and tried to start something with a prospect. Pyro stepped in." Working at a biker bar was never dull, thankfully the MC kept things in check. It helped that Jordan's dad owned the place and had a well known zero tolerance rule.

"They still coming around" Jordan asked, handing me my tea and getting comfortable.  His brown eyes met my green knowingly.

"Lost Brotherhood is always there. A couple Lost Order always seem to be there too. I was surprised, don't know what Frank was thinking. And no Jord, HE wasn't in. Hasn't been in going on four years. Likely buried in the mountains." I didn't bother to hide the bitterness, not like I cared anymore where HE was.  I stopped caring a long time ago.  If I kept telling myself that it would eventually sink in.

There was only one HIM, I can remember the first time I saw him in Rotty's. I'd just started in the bar that spring. Wanting the extra cash so I could get the hell out. Jordan's dad, Joe, had been reluctant to have me in the bar itself, I'd been working in the kitchen with his wife Shirley since I was a teenager. He'd walked in and I noticed HIM immediately. How could I not?  Bad boy with a hot bod and the bluest eyes I'd ever seen.  I took their order barely able to focus on the others, the attraction was electric.  We'd eye fucked each other all night. Right up until he'd left with the rest of Lost Order.

"You really think that? Or is it just a dream come true." Jordan asked me. I'd never named HIM outright but Jordan was smart enough to know the significance of HIM.  I think Jordan was the only one to connect the dots.  Call me naive, I'd like to think we were discreet.  At least I was discreet.  I tried hard not to be tainted with my mothers reputation.

"Jord, I still don't know what to think. He quit coming by and I wasn't about to ask any of Lost Order about him. It was never more than a good time for both of us." I refused to acknowledge the way my heart hurt when I thought about HIM.  Okay, maybe HE was more than a summer fling.  I'd never meant to catch feelings.  No way was I gonna be a bikers old lady, I was getting out.  Nothing could keep me here.  Or so I thought at the time.

"You know Brandon would ask you out if you gave him a chance." Jordan teased, He was forever trying to set me up with one of his buddies.  Good guys all of them, I just couldn't get excited.  None could compare to HIM.  No one else made my heart skip a beat.

I snorted, shaking my head, my red hair swishing around my shoulders.  "Nope, no spark. I've had spark, not settling for less. My B.O.B. (vibrator) is so much easier to deal with, and no strings."

"Sed...shit nevermind." Jordan glanced at me clearly with more to say.

"Don't hold back now Jord, you never have." I encouraged him, we'd always been honest with each other.  The only thing Jordan didn't know was HIS identity.  He'd been deployed that summer, I've never disclosed HIS identity to anyone.

"Just don't keep closing yourself off. You deserve more." Jordan answered, leaning forward his brown eyes meeting my green. He got up, sitting on the ottoman and picked up my foot. His strong fingers going to work.

"And where am I going to find that in this shit town. It's not like I have a bunch of options here." I was frustrated, same old conversation. "What about you? You want to tell me why you're spending your leave here?"

"Nope! Not going there tonight. We are too sober for that. Before I leave I'll tell you the details" Jordan quickly shut that conversation down, spiking my curiosity. He picked up my other foot and started massaging it.

"As always Jord you're a life saver." I sighed relaxing under his fingers.  He was, it went beyond the amazing foot rubs.

Jordan just nodded, since the day I moved in next door at the age of five we'd been tight. Like I said friend zoned many years ago.  Always would be tight too as far as I was concerned. Since that first summer I spent more time at his house than my own. As a teenager I snuck out the window to run next door to his place. As soon as the screaming started I knew Jordan would have his window open. We never talked about the day the screaming stopped. I barely made it out that night. Seeing the dark look in Jordan's eyes I shook my head. Jordan, defender of the innocent. I wasn't surprised when Jordan joined the USMC. The house I lived in was his, an investment Jordan said at the time. He had purchased the acreage on the outskirts of town and I looked after it for him.

"Hey no dark places tonight. I'm bagged and I have to do this all tomorrow. Good night Jord." I gave Jordan a quick hug and headed upstairs to my room.  Falling into an exhausted sleep, HIS blue eyes haunting my dreams.