watch you sleep

1

listen to i wanna be your girlfriend by girl in red.

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"I don't wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your lips."

White ceiling. Pink skies. When you look out the window, your eyes would immediately be surrounded by neon lights. Most teenagers are probably partying and drinking and doing drugs and other illegal shit right now while I'm here at my apartment, instead of beer cans, I have a camera in hand. Scrolling through the pictures, I stopped at this one photograph that I took the other night.

We were riding our skateboards at night, under the moonlight while she's blasting Labrinth's Still Don't Know My Name from her speakers. She looked so carefree, her hair flowing with the wind. It was such a beautiful sight. I couldn't help myself, so I took a picture of her. My first ever photograph of her. The first night I finally realized, I might actually have feelings for her.

"I wanna kiss you until I lose my breath."

I touched her face through the camera screen. So pretty, so satisfying. I want to love her. I want to think about her every morning I wake up, every night I turn off the lights... but I'm afraid this will just turn out to be one of my obsessions. I'm afraid of getting too attached again. I'm afraid of hurting again.

Besides, if I ever confess to her, she'd probably turn me down. She'll hate me and our friendship would soon be over. I can't have that. She's the only one I have right now. I don't want to lose her yet. She's... my friend. My only friend.

"I don't wanna be your friend..."

But I wanna feel her close. I want her hugs.

"I wanna kiss your lips."

I want her.

Wait no, maybe this is just a phase. A stupid phase where you crush on your best friend. Everybody experiences that, right?

I've been thinking about this for a week already. Everything's so confusing, as if this whole idea of liking her is consuming me whole. I don't want to like her, at the same time I can't control it. Maybe I should go out tonight. I want to cool down. Yeah, I'd do that.

The sun's setting already. Beautiful view. I stood up from the bed and went to my computer table and checked the social media. I only have Instagram and Twitter at the moment. I posted one of the pictures I took this morning on Instagram. I only post my photographs of my surroundings in Instagram, not my face, not hers, just pictures of nature and pink things. Sometimes pictures of cigarettes.

One minute, and I now have 8 likes. I'm not that popular on this platform, I only started last month. It was her who suggested it, so my photographs would come to use. I don't care about Twitter anyway, I only have a private account where the only follower is myself. That's where I post my rants about daily life. I always feel free once I post my tweets.

I then heard a rock thrown at my window. I didn't bother to show myself. It's always like this. Edgy boys and girls in the neighborhood would make fun of me because I like pink and strawberries. I let them. I couldn't bring myself to say hurtful things to them, they're young. If I ever hurt one of them, my guilt would just kill me.

"Is she even inside?"

"Hey, show yourself!"

"I bet you want to play hide and seek since you think like a child!"

Muffled laughter erupted outside of my window. I didn't let it get to me. It's fine, they're young. They're children and someday, they'll feel bad about this stuff.

I'm kind of thankful she's not here, though. She'll scare them away and throw rocks back to them. One time, she actually hurt one of the children. The child's eye bled and I was horrified while she just laughed as if it wasn't anything serious. The day after that, the child's parents confronted me about it but I didn't tell her that. I took all the blame. It's fine. I don't want to involve her in my personal problems, she has her own.

It's now nighttime. Like I planned, I dressed up. Just a simple pink dress I bought once at a cheap store. I went out with just my wallet and a camera. I checked first if any of the children were around but fortunately they weren't.

I rode my bike to one of the loudest and most known parties here in town. I rode to Jisoo's. Most popular in our town, in school. She's the typical golden girl and she's everyone's best friend. Except for me. She doesn't know me and it's better that way. I hate publicity. I went inside, the music invading my ears. I quickly covered my ears but brought my hands down once I got used to the volume.

No one paid me attention. I didn't mind. It's fine, I guess. I looked around and everyone's just having fun with drugs and drinks. I saw Jisoo making out with one of the jocks at campus. Going to parties is a daily thing for them since it's currently school break.

I stood at the center of the dance floor. I wasn't dancing, just holding my camera. I took pictures of my surroundings. No one gave me a glance. It's as if I'm in my own world with no one around and it felt fucking wonderful.

Snap.

I took pictures of anything, of everything. And then my camera landed on her. It was like the world paused. She's there, dancing to the beat, her smile so wild while she's having fun on her own. I snapped a sneaky picture. My second picture of her. It's becoming an addiction now.

I decided to walk to her, slowly. She has glitters on her face and it looked magical, as if she were crying and the glitters were her tears. The color of the lights in the room suddenly turned violet once I'm in close proximity. The music changed. Everything changed, the vibe, the dance steps of everyone around.

She stopped dancing and then started again. Then she locked eyes with me. She smiled wider. She just danced, I just watched in awe. My hands were itching to take a picture again but before I could turn this into an obsession, I stopped. I know I shouldn't. If I take more pictures, I'll just fall harder. The lights were going on and off and every time the lights were on, her expression changes.

Such a sight.

I walked to her. She faced me. Jennie. Her name is Jennie. My friend. My everything.

"You're here."

"I am."

I then danced and copied her moves. She's so pretty it hurts. I probably look stupid right now but I couldn't care. My eyes are fixed on her and we just danced to the beat without a care in the world.

And then we ditched the party with our bikes. Everything was so slow. We laughed. We sang. We shared smiles.

And now we're on my bed, facing each other. We're just staring, looking, admiring.

And then she closed her eyes, she looks so peaceful and beautiful. Another picture wouldn't hurt. I took a photo of her.

I don't ever wanna leave. I'll watch you sleep. And listen to you breathe.

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