Knots: A Fab Moretti Fanfiction

Happy New Year

2005- ONE HOUR UNTIL NEW YEARS

"It's like I come back and everybody's married," Ana laughs, holding out her palms in a gesture of disbelief, "I mean, what's up with that?" The boys have all scattered-- intentionally, she figures-- one by one, so that she is now left alone at the table with Julian, drinking beer and talking.

As they've been talking, Ana has noticed how different Julian is from when she last saw him. All of the boys have all changed, in their own ways-- you would expect someone to after five years-- but Julian seems to have changed the most, almost to a completely different person; Before, he seemed hopeful, excited-- in his own way-- about the band and all of the possibilities that awaited him and his friends, and although he's always been pretty subdued and mellow, he seems to be even more so now. Now, he seems like a suppressed version of himself, mumbling-- again, way more than before-- so much that, throughout their conversation, Ana has occasionally found herself having to think about what she has just heard him say for a few seconds before she can comprehend what it was.

"He just seems put off by it all," she thinks-- put off by all of the parties, the fame, the recognition. She remembers back to when they were first starting out, and he had been so into music just for the sake of music. He never mentioned anything about what they have now: Touring, the accolades, the adoring fans stopping them in the street to ask for pictures. He had only talked about making music, and it was (and still is) clear how much he loved that simple facet of it, as if he could remove all other factors of making music-- to where he could just make music without having to worry about pressure or deadlines or expectations-- he would be truly free. It's as if he had had this big plan that he was so excited to watch unfold, but instead it had morphed into something he didn't recognize, something with unexpected and unwelcome consequences and side effects-- as if the optimist in him hadn't allowed him to see past what his rosy image of being in this band would be like.

"Yeah," Julian laughs, looking down into his beer bottle, with that charming, yet self-deprecating laugh of his-- one where even he almost sounds in disbelief of what he's saying-- then runs his hands through his hair, "I mean, what can I say? Juliet was on our team for a long time, and being around her all the time, working with her... I don't know, I just fell for her. She's the beauty to my beast."

"Well, I'm happy for you, Jules," Ana smiles jovially, "You two seem really great together."

"Thanks..." He smiles, "And what about you? Are you... With somebody? Did you meet your Prince Charming off in California?"

"Me? No," she laughs, biting into the peanut she has just shelled, then finds her eyes wandering over to where she knows Fab is, on the dance floor making a fool of himself, but nevertheless having the time of his life, "No, no Prince Charming."

They are silent for a moment, a thousand things they both want to say but not sure which to start with, or how to say them.

"Julian," Ana says, finally, her voice now somber and serious, "I... I wanna say I'm sorry... about the way we left things. I've had a lot of time to think about it, and I feel really bad about the things-- I said and did some things I wish I hadn't... and, I'm sorry for that." She speaks slowly and hesitantly, forcing out each word in spite of her pride, which makes every syllable feel as heavy as a brick as it comes out of her mouth.

"Me too," Julian mumbles, "I mean, I'm sorry, too, you know. I made a lot of mistakes..."

"Yeah," Ana sighs, looking down into the bowl of peanuts, then, with her prior cheer and playfulness returning to her, "I don't think we were ever in love, do you?" And despite the fact that she is joking around, she means it. She felt something for Julian-- something different, deeper, more genuine-- that she hadn't felt for any of the other guys she dated or slept with, that much is true, and Julian was her first truly serious relationship, but she can't honestly say that she completely loved him. Knowing what she knows now, she wonders if her feelings for Fab held her back from falling in love with Julian.